I personally asked George to describe an incident that occurred with the two of us when we trained together for the first time, here in Austin, Texas. His reaction to working with me was so powerful and strong,that it became one of the most moving experiences I've had in my life. His honesty and candor is somethingthat many men lack in the arts. I value George's insight and work and am honored to know him.(side note: I earned the nickname "Medusa" in many training and one on one scenarios...women harness an energy rarely matched by men. I'm not embarrassed or ashamed by this, as many great female heroines,spies,assassins used their eyes and energy to control a situation. George is one of the very few (2) men that have stopped me dead in my tracks and caused an energy shift. Take note fellas.)
Emasculation in Training
Martial Arts (Siberian Cossack Systema)
November 20, 2015
George Borrelli Systema Colorado Springs
I have experienced where certain women seem to be able to counter my
Systema martial art work, arresting my abilities to get “control”. In
this discussion, to keep it interesting, we will address sex, love,
fear, your mamma, and finally, dancing like you are Agent 007, James Bond.
After a lifetime of martial arts and nearly five years of Russian
Systema, I'm significantly challenged working with roughly 1 in 100 men,
but I'm challenged with most women! The men I struggle with are not just
the larger and stronger men, it isn't necessarily their size. So what is
going wrong and why?
In the cooperative training, while learning, you need a kind of
commitment or honesty to the charge/attack from your partner. Without
that commitment, most of the concepts and techniques are not of great
use. Additionally you need a kind of “lost in the movement” psychology
of the attacker. If the attacker does Systema very well deceptively in
his attack, then things get evened out, more or less. So that is one of
the challenges. You have to make clear when you want your attacker to
have honest intention or a deceptive Systema deceptive and evasive style
of attack.
In the Systema defense, and counters, as should be in most all martial
arts, you cannot “look down”. You can't focus upon the knife hand nor
the punching hand at the cost of not seeing the entire person and
keeping your head up. You must see everything from an upright, balanced,
structured “dancing position”. Watching the hand makes your response
too slow as the hand is just too fast to catch up with. We say that the
speeding train already left the station is much to hard to catch.
Instead, you should stay aware of the total person in an upright
position. This gives you a fighting chance to catch the movement.
As important, you must take the subtle lead of the engagement, similar
to the lead role that a man has in couples dancing. That “lead” or
“frame” to the outside observer, is mostly evident by your structure and
poise, where you look, but there is an internal aspect as well.
Certain women are naturals at using psychological warfare. They have a
“gaze” that can cause you to look elsewhere. Their gaze is behind an
intimidating power. That gaze, if it gets you to look away, takes your
power, focus, posture and ability to work well.
I will explain what I think is happening inside the man when this occurs
at the hands of this special woman. If a woman looks at you with
love-dominating power, as your mother, as a lover, as a demon; that
intensity is something we avoid automatically. We avoid the eye contact,
and sometimes much worse occurs in us.
Culturally we men are taught proper behavior with women. We are not to
challenge mother. We cannot have (even feel) love with a woman other
than “the chosen or assigned” woman, our wife, girlfriend, and/or lover.
In part it is fear because we do not trust ourselves. We also feel fear
because we don't trust this woman putting her “spell” on us. We also can
feel inadequate with a woman's strong and powerful emotions as expressed
in her eyes and body energy. As a man, if we cannot be dominant we feel
in trouble, sometimes we feel emasculated. In effect, we “cannot keep it
up” in the face of such challenge. We “go limp” in the face of this
pressure. Please forgive the sexual connotations, there is no real sex
involved. But this is a dance between the two sexes, so the imagery
works here.
I think something similar happens when a very high level male Master is
demonstrating with you, you tend to be dis- empowered in the moment. You
don't want to challenge him. It wouldn't be appropriate, even if he asks
for it, there are many fears that will prevent you. You fall under his
spell.
In a similar manner, an energetic, confident, and emotionally strong
woman can “take your breath away” and take your power away in the
moment. She does this with a force from within her. That force may be
the force of fearlessness. I say it may also include “love”. To me, that
state of “love” is a state where there is no fear, no anger, no worries,
but a complete deep absorption of the moment and of you. A woman who is
able to love deeply and fearlessly can have that power. Not all women
are able to be quite this present in the heat of the new attack/defense
against a stronger man. Sometimes the energy works against her.
At my first ever training in Texas at the Siberian Cossack Systema, is
where I first met Olivia Overturf. The first time I trained with her, I
experienced something like a complete “castration”, a loss of my ability
to call my normal levels of power. I was “limp”, and I simply couldn't
do the work. I was unable to look at her eyes and face. Since her face
was “in my face”, I automatically felt a need to look away, and
downwards. Looking downwards took my energy, balance, ability to see her
movement in time. I was beaten by her heart, strength, presence, love
power. She was fully in the moment, and that rocked me. She took the
lead of the dance away from me. As a good training partner should, she
helped me by pointing out that I looked away from her eyes and looked
down to the floor. That was quite helpful.
The next opportunity to work with Olivia, I was very cognizant of her
energetic abilities and the affect it can have. I have “danced” with
powerful women before. When I saw her “fire”, I immediately “shifted”
and “became” like “James Bond”. In the movie series, “007”, the hero,
James Bond often danced and made love with a woman sent to kill him. He
simply rose to the occasion. He still embraced and danced with all the
poise and correct posture, he still loved her, but at the same time,
took her balance, and played the man's role in couples dancing, he was
the male lead. But remember that this is a softer lead as in dancing
rather than a brutish behavior. A brutish lead has tension and would be
detected and countered. She would not follow.
So when I felt Olivia's powerful gaze this time, I looked into her eyes,
opened my heart fearlessly and “Became Bond”. My energy and my center
was The Center, not hers. I led her about the “dance floor”.
Little did I know and little did I care, that she had a blade hidden
with a premeditated intent to kill, outside of the choreographed
practice. But I was “in charge” - without being forceful, fully aware,
fully present, taking the lead that she had to follow. My having the
lead interrupted her plan, she was stuck in her own OODA (Observe Orient
Decide Act) loop. I would say she was stuck in the first “O”, observation.
The lesson? You must remain centered, no matter what. If you get
attacked by a strong person who can manipulate heart, love, fears,
deeply inside of your heart, your past, your deepest emotions, your past
pain, you must rise to the occasion! The same is true with a physically
and muscularly powerful person, don't let his power prevent you from
being the gentle lead of the dance of self defense or fighting.
Stay centered young man, take charge, become “Bond”. Keep your head up
and your calm awareness working, and by all means be a gentleman … but
lead the dance!
When I originally started this blog, it was really to discuss what my experiences were in Systema , as a female, in the United States.
Things moved along in several directions, but I never forgot the one topic that really drove me here. I'd like to say my fight training began a few years ago when I stepped on a mat at my first Systema class, but that isn't the case. Ever since I could remember, I loved to fight. And even when I didn't love it, I HAD to fight. And being female meant, that was not "ok".
From my earliest memories of my grandfather watching boxing on Spanish TV, I remember him sort of sparring with me off and on during commercials.I also remember feeling really, really guilty about sneaking around watching snippets of boxing.
That migrated to being slightly obsessed with military arts. I am not even sure how I knew about the military other than my brother had GI Joe "action figures" or that my Dad was in the Army, I just knew... I like guns,mud, and being loud. The biggest issue was that I am half Hispanic. Any Hispanic female will know that means... dresses, bows, long hair and primping..non-stop. That was NOT me. Luckily for me, my parents were divorced and my Dad owned a ranch in east Texas. This really meant one thing...I worked. Hard.
And any kid who is around horses knows that having horses means you work. Our chores were not divided by gender....I didn't stand around chasing butterflies. I picked up hay bales, rode bareback, got knocked around, bit and kicked by horses. Also, my Dad, was an adrenaline junkie. He had a high speed, high powered jet boat that we got to ride in all the time , which meant water skiing, water sports and getting the shit scared out of us when the boat felt like it was about to flip backwards due to speed.
My 'rastlin costume
To top it off, my Dad, was an avid wrestling fan. In Texas, we call it 'rastlin, but still. I got to meet several famous wrestlers as a kid, including Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and many, many more. It also meant, our house was a constant , non-stop wrestling match. My Dad, was famous for his "claw" move and his hands, were enormous. He was extremely powerful and "trained" me to fight at a pretty young age. He threw me around, kicked, tossed and line drived me endlessly.
And, for what it's worth..at the time, I mostly hated all of this.
I was a nerdy, city kid. I preferred to read encyclopedias, drawing, working out complex math problems and trying to teach myself hieroglyphics in my spare time. There was not one thing I loved about my Dad's antics, because , ..he also had a vile temper(don't worry, he is a reformed angermaniac). And to make things even worse,I had an out of control, hyperaggressive, anger filled older brother. To make matters even worse, due to my parent's multiple marriages...at any given time, I had sets of step-brothers. Which means... I was the only female sibling to all this testosterone filled fighting and pecking order dominance. yay
always had scuffed up panty hose
I never sat around crying about it(unless I was really injured..which DID happen(thrown down a flight of stairs with roller skates on and bit through my tongue)), and I never felt like I couldn't handle anything. I did what any child of the '80's did... I took it,fought back,cried a little, and then hoped I could watch cartoons on Saturday.
Growing up like this, was really the only way I knew. I knew, I hated church because I had to dress up...I knew, I hated being quiet and being talked over by all the boys around me and I knew, there was not much I could do but learn to fight back.
This leads me to my first real school fight. I was in the 5th grade at an inner city school in Dallas. Her name was Cecilia and I will never forget it. Her boyfriend, Michael, kissed me on the cheek in the hallway. Back then, 5th graders, were still playing with toys, so even the idea that anyone had a boyfriend was weird...being kissed was even weirder. My best friend , Sharon, ran up to me in the hallway and told me Cecilia wanted to fight me after school. I wasn't too concerned, because my mom taught at the school, so surely, nothing would happen.
I was dead wrong.
By the time school was out, everyone was really amped up for this fight. Not only was I one of the only white(I am hispanic and white) kids in the school, I was a nerd and my mom was a celebrated teacher there. Cecilia was a bully, one of the bigger kids, and was known for fighting. On the way to the area behind the gym I kept thinking" ok, she's a Jehovah's Witness, I'm sure she won't hit me. She doesn't even say the Pledge of Allegance".--nerd thinking.
The closer I got to the location, the louder Sharon's voice got. "Girl, you just gotta get her....go all out!".
I wasn't even sure what that meant. I started to mentally pray the rosary.
Largely what I experienced in junior high
Before I made a complete turn of the corner, I felt a horrible sting to my face. I had been hit...hard. But not harder than any of my brothers or Dad hit me. When I slightly recovered and stood straight, I made eye contact with Cecilia. The look on her face was completely savage. She came barreling at me at a high rate of speed and all I could do was plant my hand on her face and squeeze. I remember feeling her eyeballs and mouth on my hand and it felt exactly like gutting a deer. As she grabbed gobs of my hair and clothes, I clung to her face and started swinging with the other hand, completely blindly. And speaking of blind...I had yet to get my prescription glasses, so I was damn near blind.
Once the gym coach pulled ME off HER, all I could think was how great it felt. I saw her laying there, flat on her back crying. I looked down and had all my appendages, but I knew I would be headed straight to the principal's office. Luckily, it was Mr. McCallister, who really didn't care and was ready to go home for the day. All he said was" she deserved it..she's a bully." . To this day, I am fairly certain my mom never found out about the fight. Although the following year, I was at a completely different school with a totally different demographic.
Along came junior high at another inner city school , or as what I like to refer to as "where shit went down". My nerd status was still maintained but the very first day of school, I was jumped. And again on the second day. By the third day, I realized, my skin tone was what was making me get my ass whooped. I decided to latch on to a few of the hispanic kids at the school who thought it was really cool that I was "white" but fluent in Spanish. They, were in a gang.
"Getting jumped" became less frequent but the one-on-one fights increased. The severity of the fights got worse, and if I wasn't fighting, I was fighting for one of my friends. By 8th grade I already had a reputation for being a full on brawler.
At about this same time, my already raging brother, began experimenting with drugs. I did not have a safe place to turn to. Not one ounce of solitude or peace. Other than juvi hall.The violence was so chaotic and bad in my life, that going to jail was always a better option.
By my freshman year in high school(again, another inner city school), I had seen so many shootings,stabbings and random fights, I was no longer phased by anything. I was sent to go live in east Texas with, sigh...my Dad.
The smell of horseshit and early morning wake up calls he gave me annoyed me to no end, not to mention that the total population of the high school I went to in east Texas was 300. I was considered a minority because I was half-Mexican and that increased their total minority population to 9 students. On my first day, I was in a throw down with a female football player named Rhonda who already had some missing teeth.
The one thing about the girls at this school was, they were tough. Not like, gang member-shit talking tough, but like, fast pitched softball, rodeo girl who hunts , tough. While I was still in my element of fighting, I was oddly not in many fights at this school.
Before long, we moved to Austin where, I was shocked that an entire month went by and I didn't see or was involved in one fight at school. I spent the rest of my high school career, waiting to fight ( I even started one in science class...).My home life was a different story all together. And way too shocking to go into detail here, but let's just say, I was more than used to sleeping with one eye open. It was rare that the police were not at our house on a weekend. Rare.
Along with getting through all of it, I chose a specifically, physically brutal field to work in. I decided to become a chef. My culinary apprenticeship at times, resembled that of what a Marine would go through in boot camp. I still have a scar from a narrowly missed pan that was "tossed" at me by an instructor. Not to mention, getting yelled at, degraded and sexually harassed on a regular basis...this was, what I was told" all part of the industry". I sucked it up and did my time, and made it out alive and quite successfully. I spent years breaking my back, carrying loads of items, hauling bags of produce and yielding knives with the best of them. And I never cracked, which was perhaps why I was never in need of a job in that field. I loved every minute of it. It was familiar, vile and hard.
Fast forward to today. I am no martial artist, but really wish my parents did put me in some formal training. However, what would change? I grew up , literally, fighting. I read most Army field guides, played with guns and knives and spent a regular part of my childhood with bruises and cuts all over me. While I am not great at Systema, what I did love about it was that I was able to initiate my daily skills into fight skills if need be. The one thing missing, was my gender group.
I had the great luck to train with a few great women, but as a whole, there was no promise of balance for women, at least here in the States anyway. While my local instructors were quite phenomenal and female trainee friendly, nationally, there was not a large presence of females who trained. Even when I asked a leading international instructor if he could guide me to a few female instructors, he boasted there were none. He also told me "women are not warriors"...(I've referenced this in a few other blogs).
The more I asked around, the more I realized , there wasn't much of a niche for women and when I was shown what some women were doing in Systema, it was largely not even remotely like what the men were doing. Often times, I was pointed to "women's self defense" classes, that were taught by the same instructors who taught Systema, just you know... this was for women .
I didn't understand what I like to now call "gender divided training" until recently, when I traveled to Russia to train with Andrey Karimov, who explicitly believes in co-gender training for the purpose of creating social harmony and so the men don't aggro each other out of the room. In fact, Karimov himself discusses about connecting with feminine energy and creating a balance in men, so they do not turn into hyperaggressive males with no pecking order and something to prove. These men, are often super stiff, wound really tight, and have no concept of true movement, which some martial artists say is key in learning combatives. These are the guys you see super ,duper stiff in training videos, often times have veins popping out of their necks and talk about being soft, when really, they just look like they are trying really hard to make a poop.
And....this is also what I looked like training. Not to repeat too much, but my blog about wearing a skirt for 30 days, really drove this home. I was indeed, a hyperaggressive female at one point in my life and it really affects who I am today. To make things completely ironic, I have been approached by several males who teach "women's self defense" in hopes that I would help promote them.
The issue is, is this ok?
I honestly didn't know there was a stigma to girls fighting until I went to a friend's house when I was in 7th grade. She had a younger sister and there was absolutely no holes in the walls, anywhere. She didn't toss her sister into a wall, and they didn't "roughhouse". Usually, when I visited them, I was in shock at how quiet their house was. It seemed abnormal , to me. Later on,I realized this was normal, and what I was living, was not.But, what I lived through, got me through alot of social,psychological and physical issues later on in life(including evading an attempted rape, running out of a burning building, and many other traumatic events)... I never played victim or felt really sorry for myself, and perhaps, my combat like childhood , is what saved me.
When I think of gender divided training, I can only think of one thing..."how would a woman survive an attack if she hasn't been knocked around by a dude?". Luckily for me, while training in Russia, I had instructors that understood this balance and how to teach it.Training here was a different story.
While one woman who I worked with regularly was great, a few others were way too "light" for me. Either I felt guilty not working my best with them, or I felt like I wasted time training. To find a really balanced male to train with, was pretty difficult. My most favorite training partner ever, probably doesn't know he was just that. He was soft enough to guide me, yet firm enough to work with me. He could go slow or fast,and knew what my weaknesses were on the mat. When I stopped training in the US, I realized that this kind of male, would be really hard to find . My anticipation for what kind of training I would go through in Russia, became engulfing. My first day in training I noticed one thing... all the men with whom I was working with, were exactly like this ONE guy I liked as a partner in the US.All of them.
There were several determining factors I noticed right off the bat.
None of these men were hyperaggressive males.
They could dance and sing and play musical instruments.(Karimov himself could sing high notes, often mimicked an old babushka and of course, danced.)
They all had a sense of humor and they all were as powerful as our instructor.
Almost all had been in the military.
None, tried to SHOW me what I was doing wrong or tried to overcorrect me
None made the assumption that I had no idea what I was doing.
Training is indeed different there and the idea of gender division, or "women's self defense" did not exist at all, not in our group. It was "just fight..in a skirt". And that's what we did.
In the months since my return, I've been asked to support or back several women's self defense groups and/or programs. Normally, I would consider it, but when I asked the male instructors of these programs what their backgrounds were in , they'd often list and itemize their college credentials, or police training outlines. More often than not, these men, had never even heard of the areas of Dallas I grew up in,or they had been divorced several times, had no female children and none of them had lived in the slums of anything. Ever. Technically, I would be better at teaching "women's self defense" based on my survivorship rate,alone.
While yes, degrees count for a few points, life experience counts for alot more, IMO. I survived alot of actually being a female and being attacked. I don't live in fear and I don't walk around hyperaware. I am able to sustain huge amounts of pain(ex.breast cancer biopsy , no meds...), yet I am supposed to find comfort in the idea of this gender singular class, that will partner me up with , women who may or may not be fear mongered into training or women who , may or may not have already been attacked(which means, something during the class could actually trigger them). Out of all the "women's self defense" programs I've been sent to evaluate, not one , seems even remotely close, to what I went through in junior high , at the very least. Not one. Including Systema. Even then, only recently , I had the great honor of meeting female Systema O.G.("original gangster") , Janice Bishop. She sent me a link to a video she was in , where she is clearly being punched and she is punching someone else, full force. I had goosebumps watching her footage. In fact, I cried..perhaps out of anger or perhaps because I didn't meet her sooner, or even worse, because no one had ever mentioned her to me. In three years of training.I personally was lucky enough to get punched by an amazing instructor named Marc Breese. Anyone in Systema knows what I mean when I say"lucky enough to get punched". His punch was so smooth and powerful, that I can remember exactly how I felt immediately after the punch and to this day, have not been punched as well as he punched me.
Not that I felt incredibly isolated in training but it would have been nice to connect to the few women that existed in the art in the United States.
Meanwhile, in Russia....my good friend, Olga Malkova is making waves with her phenomenal sword and whip work and I am 100% sure she will kick my ass even harder when I go back to Russia next year. Because, as beautiful and soft as Olga is, the men she trains with, WANT her to be phenomenal , if not better ,than they are.
And let's be honest, Ronda Rousey, really, really helped open up combative arts to millions of females everywhere, but even still... we seem to just not be able to get it right. Not only has she been called "cocky" "mannish" and" he-man", she really lost alot of us(women and men) when she published her "Do Nothing Bitch" mantra.Sigh. I guess saying " I'm not a Do Nothing Yet Intellectually Stimulating Female Who Can Fight" doesn't have a ring to it.
At the end of the day, as an instructor in all this, ask yourself how you train your students.Do you slightly groan under your breath when a woman shows up to class? Do you try to balance the men in your class regularly so when a newcomer female comes in, she won't be scared away? Do you offer gender divided programs, and if so..why? Do you think you(if male) are emotionally, psychologically and physically qualified to train and work with women?
Like I said before, I was extremely lucky to have my first tastes of Systema with some great instructors who were fair and amazing at finding a balance. There were times, I did feel completely stuck in the program here, but I felt that was more the overall "program" rather than the instructors. But I've also trained with men who were extremely aggressive and awkward with women in the class and guess what guys? It shows. And when those same men make "women systema" videos or "women's self defense" videos, it's really, really not a good look to any woman who's got a decent grasp of what female fight culture is about.
If you have a sister, daughter, wife or mother, think.... "what do I want for them?", how would I like for them to feel in a training environment ,would I want them to be grouped with other females like them , and how does that apply to a realistic fight situation? What is the BEST I can do for the women around me in training?".
I highly suggest we all take a deep look at the "combative arts" and stop dismissing women as ho-hum weekly practitioners, and really focus on doing the work, for your school, class or program.Recently, a female Systema instructor in Virginia was promoted on a news cast for her free women's self defense class that she offered in light of recent events in her area.This was a HUGE advantage for all of the females in training in the US, yet not really discussed that much overall, in gen pop.I for one, posted it and discussed it as much as possible in the hopes of at least, creating a buzz that "hey...we can teach this stuff too!".She is exactly the kind of woman who should teach a women's self defense class, to other women. But she is also the exception to the rule, as it were , in combative arts.
On another side note, there are many, many Combative Arts forums and discussion pages, that have very little , if at all, female presence. And it certainly shows by the Neanderlithic tone of conversation, in a weird way. While some men are completely snarky and catty, others have very little or no actual survivorship rate, not enough to teach Combat Arts anyway. And most, count the times they were in a drunken bar fight. If you whittle away all the "I can teach this because of A,B and C"...and we are left with people who have only trained in so many arts that they have convinced themselves they are good, OR if we ask for real, life experience...by default, women would be better instructors across the board. We deal with every day attacks on our emotions, psyche, physical pain(hello...menstrual cramps and childbirth) , forced to perform out side of our comfort zone(have you walked in heels and a skirt near a construction site??no??try it)...but most men on these forums ONLY argue about how much better they are than the other men , or , how much MORE "paid for" training they've had. Very few can have an intellectual debate about fighting.Most of these same men, don't even have a girlfriend, wife,daughter or significant other they would dare to try to DEFEND. Imagine that?...why are they taking combative arts if the only thing they combat , is the keyboard?
I never paid for any of my combative experience growing up.It was all free. So the overall question that gets trounced over and over is "WHY DO YOU TRAIN?". It's asked in every single forum I've been on, and very rarely, does anyone say" to protect my family". If you take an honest look at your reasons for training, and the reason are not to protect others, then why ARE you training?
And guys, for what it's worth...a GREAT male Systema partner is really someone that treats us like a brother would(a normal one)...roughs us up, teaches us how to fight, then lets us try it out without ego or getting frustrated. Remember..you want us to learn just as much as we want to learn from you.
(thank you to M. Brock for being the best male partner of all time and to Janice Bishop and Tiffany Lee for pioneering women in Systema in the U.S. and to Emlyn, for without, I would not have even begun this journey)
Today, I dropped my son off at school, in what I like to call "the drop off/pick up lane of doom". It is an intricate barrage of SUVs, small cars, students, angry parents, rushing parents, disrespectful people, and well...an all out nightmare. On any given morning or afternoon, you will hear honking, witness near fender-benders, and even see a few kids almost get hit by cars. The speed limit is 20 mph, but you'd think it's 200. I digress.
Today was very typical. I guided my car near the sidewalk so my son can unload his belongings and prance off into his morning limelight, while I sit and wait in my car for maybe 10 minutes to let some of the mania die down.
I carefully, always, inch my very brightly colored car into the street and turn onto whatever the nearest side street is to escape all this. This maneuver, requires a ton of skill, faith and patience, even thought it's just a simple turn.
You have to have full faith when going through this. Not in yourself, but in the person that *hopefully* will let you cut in front of them to make the turn. Usually, you are up against someone in an SUV , who is rushing to get out of there as quickly as you are. This person, must give you the "ok" to proceed, and if you do so, you have to assume they are helping you make a safe decision.
Assume.
I never assume the person who is telling me it's "ok" to go ahead and slide in front of them, is 100% trustworthy. Yet , everyday, when we drive..we , as a whole , do this.
While I was waiting my turn, a woman motioned the "ok" to proceed. I held my hand up , motioning back for her to wait. She flayed her hand at me again, with a bit of an aggressive tone. I motioned her to "wait" again.
What she didn't see, and what I was looking at, was a mom in a small car, on a side street, trying to slowly inch her way past everyone, who evidently, had a crying baby in the backseat. She kept looking back to the backseat, reaching down, looking back, reaching...trying just to get out of where we were. I had been there. Anyone knows, if you have a screaming infant in the backseat of a car, you just want to get home.
The woman, in the SUV, had become increasingly frustrated at my lack of following her command, and gunned her truck. At the same moment, the frantic mom, inched almost directly into the SUV. I was in the middle of trying to motion to the mom to stop, when this happened. Luckily no one was hurt and we all slid out of there as though it was just an everyday malfunction.
I pulled over and took a deep breath.THIS, was exactly what I just went through in my everyday life.
When we hear about things from other people, about how great they are, and we become interested..we may partake, sign up , attend..etc. If we like what's going on ,we become regulars, or attendees , students.This could apply to anything. Music, dance, yoga..martial arts...
When we follow leaders that we feel may be a good match for us, we aren't really thinking much about it. If it feels right, we go with it. If they treat you poorly, we assume, it was something we did, and trek on.
We don't think much of their guidance into "traffic" . We put a ton of faith that these people,that act as though they know what they are doing, that's why we are all there. Nodding in unison.
We may be wrong....but no one says anything. No one questions it. Not in the open, anyway.
When you begin to get a better sense of "hmmm, that wasn't the first time I was mistreated(led into oncoming traffic), you start to really question yourself. Why am I here? What was I thinking? What have I been putting up with? And when you back away, as sad as it may be, you gain some clarity and insight. You see the bigger picture, ingest, and pick up the pieces .
When you get trapped by the misguidance and advice of several of these people at once, you feel one of a few things 1) surely, all these people can't be untrustworthy, 2)surely, they would stand by me as they said they would, 3) surely, they won't guide me into some traffic and leave me there to get hammered into. Surely, they wouldn't.
But they can, have and will. If this happens, alot of people suggest, just staying quiet, slipping away, and letting yourself become a victim , since..these , after all...are some pretty noted leaders.
In my experience, there is no right way to deal with getting led into heavy or dangerous traffic by strangers. At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and expecting people to remain by your side, is almost an impossible feat.
Take care of yourself, the best you can...it may be a fight, may mean you make some enemies, it may mean, you , by your own sword, determine your fate. But don't do what THEY want you to do. After all, they are the ones that took you there.
All experiences, are learning lessons. Take what you can, from any of them. If you total your car, because someone guided you incorrectly, YOU will still be without a car. However...you may get another one,a newer one, or learn the bonus of public transportation. If you lose friends, because someone misguided you, you may realize, those people..really weren't your friends in the first place, BUT you will make new friends, and maybe even better ones...and , you will now officially know what to look for in a mentor( I hope).
This leads me back to Andrey Karimov.
Initially, I stopped training Systema with any schools, because I felt like I was not getting out of it what I needed. I wanted something a little more holistic, lively, fun..real.
I watched a few of Mr. Karimov's videos online , and noticed a few things:
1) kids- he has almost as many videos working with children(with adults) as he does of knife work, whip work, and other training
2)music-there is music(usually he plays the instrument himself) in almost every video. In fact,in our house..we walk around humming the familiar tune .
3)smiles-even some of what seems to be the most complex and face cringing moves, you will notice a few smiles and even laughter here and there.
4)camaraderie- Andrey has camps and all inclusive seminars. He does't seem isolated from his group. He is fully involved in what he teaches. FULLY.
5)passion. This man..is probably more passionate about what he teaches than I am about what kind of donuts I eat. If you knew me, you'd know what that means.
I couldn't ask for a better path to go down. I couldn't have hand picked a better person to talk to about Systema, than him. He gives me hope and encouragement ( even though I didn't think I needed it), far beyond what I could have expected. He is delightful , helpful and full of knowledge. At the very least, he is inspirational. At best, he forces you to really, really think.
Someone recently contacted me and said , " THIS man you are aligning yourself with is a bully!Just look at him, look at how he trainssss..LOOOOOK AT HIMMMMMM! I will help you , figure out what YOU want!!!"
I'm sorry, what?
A) I didn't ask
B)If he is so horrible, why has he spent so much of his free time talking to me, and showing me a part of his magically traditional life? (no instructor here, has done that.ever).
C)You TELLING me, that someone is a bully, then TELLING me I need to stop associating with him is, kinda by definition, now making you a bully.
D)Considering what I just went through with a group of male "martial artists" threatening, backstabbing and trash talking me, I'm still here, out in the open..I **think** I'll be ok.
At the end of the day...they are all life lessons. I will do as I please, step on some toes, make friends, make enemies, make choices.
But most certainly, I will NOT be misguided by anyone into oncoming traffic again.
To watch more of Andrey Karimov's work with children, check out this video: Andrey Karimov children and adult combo class.
.
To learn more about bullying and how to detect or stop it visit : Stop Bullying Now
One of the most amazingly surreal things that I must point out immediately is that not ONE of any of the people (mostly men) who Mr. Karimov has connected me with, have been disrespectful or rude. Not one.
Considering the language barrier, the lack of knowing who I am, and the cultural differences, all, yes, ALL of the men who train, work with, or know him have all been the most delightful or helpful people ever.All of them.
Mr. Karimov himself has taken so much time from his schedule to answer any of my questions, has shown me archived footage, shared photos and even gone as far as to Skype with me! How cool is that? Very.
Considering , for the most part, I can't even get a response from one of the biggest Russian Martial Arts factories here..without jumping through a zillion hoops. Coincidentally, this is the same factory that I have dumped a ton of money into. Good luck trying to get on their forum , email list or getting a question answered.
This goes back to what I like to officially now call , " The Battery Syndrome". I am not sure of the direct origin of this phrase, but my fiancee told me about it a few years ago. Basically, if you are a fully charged battery, and you are around nothing but negatively charged batteries, then you too, will become a negative battery. If you are around positively charged batteries, you will remain positive. Perhaps even if you are a negatively charged battery and surround yourself with positive ones, then you will up your game. If you take the battery part of the equation and replace it with "humans", then there ya' have it.
Brings me back to what I have recently been through on this journey. Not that long ago, a school here in the U.S. posted a very sexually explicit, demeaning and disturbing "ice bucket challenge" video. I.LOST.IT.
How on earth is this going to HELP women in Systema in the U.S.? If you read the comments after the video(now deleted), you would damn near think that this behavior, was completely OK by U.S. standards. And you know what....? It was.
As I sat in shock and watched the video , over and over, with the school's logo, insignia and owner partaking in the background, I noticed one MAJOR issue. Not one instructor associated with the international program said anything...not publicly anyway.
The fact that this was even an "ok idea" was completely absurd. I had just mentioned to several of my female friends who had been interested in Systema , that it was a completely balanced art, and that they would surely be welcome at any school. I was mortified. And to think some of the more sought after international instructors had daughters...just....ick. How would they feel that one of their largest earning schools/networks considered this an "ok" practice? What about respect , as a whole, for who you are representing as a school?
As I launched into an online melee of sorts over the whole deal, I had to ask....
How does this happen?
Batteries.
Some of these men, clearly do not take into consideration there are women who are eager , and willing to jump into a class and spend hundreds of dollars a year on a program that doesn't really have anything for them. We do it because we *think* it will help our self defense strategies. And , if you have the right instructor, it will. I was VERY fortunate to have an amazing instructor. Who , most certainly treated me the way he treated anyone else. He didn't care if I had female anatomy. He only cared if I was understanding the information. He only cared if I got it. He only cared if I showed up to class and participated. I was lucky.
How does this pertain to Mr. Karimov?
As I stated before, not one individual who I have met through him , has been even almost rude. Not one. My training here in the U.S., it is easier for me to count the 5 or so men who HAVEN'T been complete moral apes. Maybe Mr. Karimov has absolute standards in the company he keeps. Maybe, just maybe, he has expectations of his instructors, collegues and students. Maybe , this is Systema at it's finest. Maybe, this is how it realllllly should be.
The main prompt of writing this today also came on the heels of an online conversation I had with another martial artist. Midway through our chat, he said the following: Man:" oh..oh you're a woman???!! I AM SO SORRY! I thought I was talking to a man! " Me:"It's ok, I get that alot, I mean.. in person, with my hair up..although I think my profile picture doesn't really look masculine" Man: "It wasn't really your picture, it was the manner in which you were candidly asking questions and debating my statements so profoundly"
This is an actual copy and paste with names deleted to protect privacy. This, really did happen.
The Systema Factory (I think I'm gonna just call it that for short) here in the U.S. has become a big one full of self absorbed, ego filled people who want to be on top. As I have reached out to "other" strains of Systema, I noticed something....the men..of the other versions, not so ape like. They kinda just want you to learn some basic information. Ok so maybe they don't have the best personalities or maybe it's BECAUSE I am female and not many women ask them technical questions, but you can kinda see , they are just eager, passionate people. In fact, I am going to go as far as to say, they have been far more valuable as a training resource than I could have possibly imagined. Including Mr. Karimov, to date, I have more than enough "other strains of Systema friends" than I could have possibly dreamed of. This makes me even question my own battery strength. While I have nothing really informative to share, the one thing these men have said to me was "thank you".
WHAT? Thank "me"?
I don't understand it either, but as a close friend of mine put it, "maybe you let them know there is something they are missing by being female and just talking to them about this stuff"
I hope so.
I really do hope standards of practice change here in the U.S. and I really hope instructors hold their students and themselves to a higher level or moral code than what has been put out there. As I continue conversations with Mr. Karimov and his instructors, I think that is the one thing we may have missed the boat on here. I am always amazed at how his instructors are amazed by my stories of anti-female sentiment, lack of incorporating women, and complete loss of the psychological instruction needed to become a decent practitioner.
Now, I am far from living a complete moral code of emotionally and psychologically healthy infused Systema, but am working my way there. It is alot harder than doing knuckle pushups, situps, squats, and rolls.
Also, there are some great, wonderful U.S. instructors out there. Amazing men, who have nothing but kindness emoting from their hearts. You will know them when you see or meet them.
The man with the huge smile, that's Andrey Karimov.
Speaking of tradition, a very important holiday is coming upon us. Diez y Seis de Septiembre is also known as "Mexican Independence Day". Like most Mexican Americans, I grew up thinking that's what Cinco de Mayo was...I was so wrong.
It wasn't until college that I learned that the "Diez y Seis" was actually the day Father Miguel Hildalgo called for the end of Spanish Rule in Mexico. It's also one of the most celebrated Mexican holidays here in Texas. (we don't have that many).In fact, most children don't understand why this holiday is important.
Self included.
I was largely left out of any type of cultural experience growing up. Aside from going to Catholic Mass and eating cabrito, lengua and barbacoa, there as not much cultural activity for me. My mom even taught Ballet Folklorico, to everyone else but me. It didn't stop me from watching her classes.
I remember thinking" why won't she teach me this?" over and over , and even hearing my friends say "your mom's dance class is so fun!".
I will never know why she didn't pass down this tradition, and perhaps, that is why someone like Andrey Karimov is so important for me to understand. Not only is he teaching HIS children about tradition and culture, he will teach anyone who wants to learn! How awesome is that?
It never fails, the minute I wake up , I open Facebook to a bevy of archived videos, links, songs and photos. It's literally Cultural Christmas every single day. I have spent hours weeks, pouring over these videos and pictures. Each one, leads me to another library of a zillion more that I HAVE to look at. I literally have not eaten breakfast or lunch ...just to absorb this tiny piece of magic.
This is the question that I ask, what do you know about your cultural history? Does your family have a generational celebration that you meticulously pass down? How far have you gone to seek out your cultural background? If you live in America, probably not very far.
We have become a culturally complacent society that only vaguely celebrates a few cultural festivities. If you have a child in public school, you get the worksheet of the cultural branding, sent home so you KNOW that someone is talking about it.That's about it.
One of the greatest moments I had messaging Mr.Karimov was when he sent me a video of a group of grandmotherly like women singing, chanting and stomping away. As I watched the video , I melted into a pile of tears and laughter. These women had it down, and he had the wherewithal to film this ! Who does that anymore? Who did that 20 years ago? He does and did. Sitting above my desk , I have the ONLY picture of myself and my grandfather who I loved dearly. He was the ONLY positive male role model in my life and had a knack for making me laugh. I never thought for one second to preserve any amount of any type of cultural speck he had to offer. Not once.
It is one of my only regrets I have in my life. Maybe he had nothing to share, maybe he had a ton to share. Maybe..just maybe he would have shown me a little dance.
Incidentally, when Mr. Karimov shared the above video with me, I immediately thought.."wow, he looks like my grandfather."
I stopped trying to count how many videos Mr.Karimov has on You Tube. It is endless. They range from Systema Training videos, to Siberian Cossack videos, to music, to dance , to historical and vintage.
As I mindlessly fumbled through Trader Joe's today, something infinitely strange happened.
An employee ran up to me, extremely enthusiastic, and said "Awe DUDE, where do you train Systema!!"
(I don't *think* I look like a man, but...sometimes in Texas, "dude" is used between like aged, like minded adults.I think.)
This happened while I was attempting to figure out their credit card machine for the zillionth time.
I looked up at stared at him for probably a full minute when I heard my son's voice say "Mom, you're wearing the T- shirt"
Ohhhh , right. The T-SHIRT!( the TSHIRT , is a whole 'nother blog)
" I ummm, well, I don't really train anymore, I mean..I used to train at this place, and even then not alot, so I , ummm...."
My son finally said "it's at *FILL IN THE BLANK* country club with *FILL IN THE BLANK* instructor."
I composed myself and remembered a rule of Systema..."breathe".
"Sorry, um sorry, it's just it caught me off guard and this isn't even my shirt, it's my fiancée's."
So he said "Oh, so you don't train? Orrrrr, you did train , or ummm?'
(this game of "ummmms" really did happen)
"Yes, I do train, just not very often at this gym, but this instructor is great, you should go check him out, he's amazing..and the nicest man..."
The guy softly asked "what do you think of Combat Systema?"
OH.MY.GAWD. please don't go there..breathe.breathe.breathe.
"well, I mean..it is what it is. I guess I'd prefer not to think of it. At all. Ever..it's not particularly what I am drawn to. I do like knife work, but I kinda hate guns and....(interruption..)
"My mom is going to Russia to train with a Cossack. She's pretty awesome.Even though she doesn't train now."
Leave it to my son, to absolutely put me on the spot.
The guy(whom I now know as "Brian" ) said "NO WAY!" I was JUST looking into that...there's a Facebook page called "Cowboys and Cossacks", have you heard of it?!"
"THAT'S MY MOM's PAGE!!!" (for the love of all things righteous, my son is my biggest fan)
Brian then went on into a variety of unintelligible noises, words, half phrases and movements.
And then it hit me.This guy, this one man, did not give a rat's ass if I was a female. He didn't care that I hadn't practiced for very long, or that I wasn't bulging with muscles, ranting about how many burpees I could do. All he cared about was how much I could tell him about Systema in 5 minutes. As he meandered through very technical terminology, I feverishly looked up the school's schedule for him. I had no business cards to hand out, and since I don't go to training anymore, I have zero memory of dates and times.
He immediately called his friends to try to set it up so they all could go when he got out of work. The one thing I heard was "dude, the person who runs that "Cowboys and Cossacks" page is right here!"
The PERSON. For the second time in our 10 minute conversation, this man, so innocently did not give a care that I was female. He was most certainly the kind of male that belongs in Systema. He was eager, pleasant, laid back and just wanted more.He had been studying Jiu Jitsu and wanted something different. Something more holistic, something real. He had heard of Systema a few years back and wanted to try it, but wasn't sure if it wasCOMBATSystema or Systema. I tried to answer as many questions for him as I could, without going overboard. I gave him the number to the school and times of classes, and told him it saved my life. Because it did.
On the drive home I had an overwhelming feeling of the first anti-female partner I trained with. It was at a seminar and this man ( an instructor from another state) openly and very loudly said " I AM NOT TRAINING WITH HER!!"
Yup. There it was. He said what I am sure any macho male who paired up with me wanted to say. Before the words "What did you jussst...?" could officially leave my mouth, I felt a tug on my arm by someone I vaguely recognized...he said "it's ok, you can train with me, that guy's a douche".
As we laughed our way through a series of slow movements and soft work, I thought in my head,
"who wouldn't want to train with women? We are soft, fun, soft...um...."
Oh...I know. Men who have issues with women..that's who doesn't want to train with women.
Later on , said douche tried to buy me a drink, you know..to apologize.I declined and walked away from him. Left him in all his glory.
Brian, the guy from the store...not a douche. I hope he goes to class soon, and helps change the stereotype of women in training.
Brian, you made my day.
To visit "Cowboys and Cossacks" go to : http://tinyurl.com/qganbd7
First of all, let me start off by saying... I am not a martial arts expert. Hold all your "how long you been training?" questions for someone who cares. I am just a bold female, with a bold perception and a permeating taste for the truth. The words "tradition" , " warrior" , "honor" , "integrity" all ring feverishly in my ears.
If you are into store bought gimmicks, following the median lines of typical consumeristic bullshit, please move on.If you are afraid to ask yourself "what am I REALLY doing?"
This blog is not for you.
If you are moderately interested in learning a little more about culture , traditions, sensational people and experiences, please stay tuned. If you are searching for a way to reconnect with life, people,yourself....I hope you can be inspired.
Secondly ,
I was wholeheartedly inspired by one person. Period. The shear fact that I met this person, was in truest form, kismet. I had no intentions of forcing myself into his life, yet..here I am..all up in it.
This man is Andrey Karimov.
Never heard of him? Me either.
Wanna find out more?
Me too.
And we will, together, I promise.
Life is too short NOT to seek out what really matters. For me right now, what matters most, is that I TRY and live my life to the best , fullest, most enriched I can. I spent the last 6 months battling for my own life, my health, my psyche...so this...is no small task at all. I will be the very first to admit, I am a complete hot mess. But being a hot mess, lead me to do some serious soul searching, and hot damn, if I didn't find some part of my lost self.
The journey I've been on to get to this point, is mind boggling. There has not been a day that has gone by since I've met Mr. Karimov, that I haven't asked myself "how the f*ck did I get here?"
Not one day.
Mr.Karimov has all but allowed me into glimpses of a Traditional Cossack past, that I had absolutely ZERO knowledge of more than a month ago. He has allowed me to randomly pick his brain, ask the weirdest of questions and Google Translate ourselves into the world of foreign culture. And through this savant-like human being I have learned more than enough to die absolutely happy.And, I know there is more.
He is an effervescent reminder that...we all came from somewhere ; we all need to belong.
I'm only writing from my personal experiences. I am not much of a writer, more of a story teller. I will try not to rant, rage, or otherwise. Along this journey, I have encountered some of the nicest, meanest, douchiest, sweetest people ever. I've witnessed tragedy, triumph, love, loss, defeat and resurrection. I've lost friends, made enemies and made better friends....and bigger enemies.
As much as I think this blog may be about working and learning from Mr. Karimov, I have a feeling it will be much , much more.
"When a tradition gathers enough strength to go on for centuries, you don't just turn it off one day."
