Interview with Master Andrey Karimov: Part One- Resuscitating Systema.

I finally decided to interview Systema Master, Andrey Karimov. There are too many questions to fit into one segment, therefore, I decided to make this a series of articles(with no real form to it). Keep in mind, everything is loosely translated(by Google translate)..Also, for the record, Mr. Karimov, did not know any of the questions beforehand.
I will also preface this by saying, I speak to Mr. Karimov, almost daily, and have for about four months now. There hasn't been one single conversation where I wasn't pleasantly surprised by a video, a song, or a response. He is both a mentor and a muse, and I am finding, slowly on this journey, that I am not the only person he has inspired.Mr. Karimov is a Clinical Psychologist and Ethnologist  and has been practicing martial arts for almost 30 years. He currently lives in Russia with his lovely wife and three children. He tours the world hosting seminars and events , and will be coming to the United States, for the first time in November, 2015.
He has been extremely patient and helpful with me and all of my questions and comments, that alone, is a testament to this man's demeanor..enjoy!(yes, my initials are "O.O.")

O.O.:There are many clubs and groups that have tried to define the word "Systema", can you clear up some of those misconceptions?

A.K: Systema is a way of becoming a mature person, with creativity, adaptability,the ability to take a punch, all while remaining  true to yourself.This paradox, this dynamic, is Systema.

O.O. : Can you be more specific about that last phrase?

A.K.:The ability to be adaptable, without losing yourself in the process.

O.O.:Most men have trouble being creative and carefree and have the capacity to take a punch. How can they find that balance?

A.K.:There are many ways. Immersing ourselves in culture is a great way. Finding your way into a circle, becoming open, not being afraid to make mistakes or to be judged by others, like with dancing, wrestling and craftwork.

O.O:Would you say being a good Systema practitioner is almost like performing?

A.K.: Exactly!

O.O.: Many people struggle with public speaking, let alone performing. For those just starting out with Systema, what do you recommend?

A.K.:For those who are just starting, I propose alot of footwork, literally and physically. Your "legs save". Meaning, your legs are what carry you and save you. Because of this, we study the steps and dance of the Russian Cossacks. This style of dance also provides a vast experience and knowledge of motor skills, both on the ground and upright. It is effective, if you are moving continuously.Public performance is comparable to fearing death, to some. Does it define who you are?Does this fear make you who you are? That is a question many people will have to ask themselves and it is a real question of personal identity and fortitude. A circle of like minded, positive individuals will overcome those barriers. That is why , we sit in a circle of support of one another, we are all equal in the circle.

O.O.:So if anyone has issues with insecurity, it will be best overcome by finding a group of supportive , like minded people, who can encourage each other and help each other grow in a positive direction?

A.K.: Yes. Grow together as a group. Meet with other groups, share power and positive energy. Closed groups lack communal strength and support. The energy is reduced.

O.O.:I have discussed the complexity, or lack thereof,  of Systema in the United States versus what I have seen and read and heard about in other countries. In the U.S., it seems to be more of a conceptualized idea and less of a "community " feel. Much of what you are describing , may seem irrelevant to a large number of practitioners here. How can you explain why it has become more rigid and less about "art"?

A.K.:I do not know about the U.S. at all and cannot really say anything at the moment. Maybe it's the fear of losing status, position in society, or fear of trying new concepts. But, the more you fear it, the more it happens to you.

O.O.: Personally I was thrilled when I first discovered your videos from a friend (who is a long time practitioner), and became an instant fan.I was also shocked that I had not heard of you before , and was not the only one. It seems, the majority of us were only aware of one "method" of Systema in the United States. Do you think that people may be stuck in only learning that style and not open to others?

A.K.: Making the choice is laid upon the person themselves.God gave us all the ability to see, hear and understand. Making the personal and conscious choice, manifests in the person, himself. Personal choices can mature and strengthen. If people have no choices, they become addicted to the wrong ones.

O.O.:That being said, to train with you, may take alot of men out of their comfort zone, in many ways.Since you use several layers of Cossack dance style and movement, how can you explain to the people who are not aware of your method, and how it connects to richer, deeper part of Systema?

A.K.: It is all very simply interconnected. It's continuity , deep and personal. An experience.

O.O.:So , in reality, Systema cannot be defined by one person or group. Systema is just a word the classifies  "methods" and has evolved over a long period of time, like karate.There is no specific "inventor"or "creator" of Systema, is that correct?

A.K.: If someone claims they invented Systema, they are not being truthful with themselves or others. God invented Systema, it is a method of the divine laws of nature. Tones, sounds, rythym of the heart, breathing. It is the prinicple of  continuity, integrity, viscosity,consistency, balance, commonality and many other ideals.Populations of Russian Cossacks were kept and made to be held in hostile environments, and out of this, a method was comprehended and proverbs were formed.The social model of success and maturity was passed down in fairy tales, song and dance. Anyone who claims they own or created "Systema" creates a barrier to it's further development and ruins it's original copy, which creates a huge restriction.If Systema is sanctioned off to one group, you cannot expand as a whole and causes inner group fighting and corruption.Tradition is time honored, proven and works. The "system" with the same name, is an attempt to manipulate and appropriate gullible and naive students who do not have honest information. It has become a business project and is not the path intended.The fraudsters are beside you , and if you run out of money, they will toss you aside.You can become used to this, and either you run from it or stay and pick at the crumbs left at the table. You cannot pretend to be something you haven't learned ( and commercializing it, is not teaching it).

O.O.:Can you detail that last statement a little more?

A.K.:If the level of requirements are lowered to teach and to practice, then that is bad and deceitful.Then , Systema becomes dependent on these same groups of people. If you are robbed, you will settle for handouts. A commercialized training program cannot teach you these things.

O.O.:It is very clear, that you encourage your students to grow and learn as much as possible. If anyone watches your videos , you sometimes seem superhuman, or indestructible, yet if we pay attention to your videos, we can see that you play guitar like instrument called a  "balalaika" and have just as many videos of training with children as your others. Can you explain your methodology behind this?

A.K.: I encourage my students to learn and grow as much as possible and to learn from other groups as part of enrichment of ourselves and others.Training with children is exciting and helps us let go! The Balalaika organizes the process, creates a space, accelerates understanding, destroys fear and normalizes the function of internal organs. Children exude strength and energy and this is what people need. We need this strength and excitement to strengthen our confidence and it is an important part of societal function. It is important for young people to have our support and see us as a source of confidence, with will and purposefulness.

O.O.:Here , in the U.S., often in training or seminars of Systema, to "break the psyche" students are made to do countless push-ups, rolls, squats, and sit ups. In your videos, this isn't a common place, yet the men look relaxed and exhausted after training with children. Is this perhaps a better way to "warm up" ?

A.K.: It is easier to achieve this level when training with children. It is very important for their growth , both physical and emotional, and gives them agility and consistency with their bodies and their minds. Push-ups are for teenagers. We are not teenagers. We do not have teenage psyches. We need to move past this.

O.O.:On the subject of working with children, is seems like it is a huge part of your training style. Is this mandatory for your students?

A.K.: This is not mandatory, but encouraged.

O.O.:In the U.S. , it is not common to see a large training session including women or children. Often times, women and children are excluded (or not engaged in) alot of the methodology.In fact, alot of "Women's Systema" is called "Women's Self Defense" and children's classes primarily focus on "drills" and "warm up"exercises. This is not the case with your style. Can you explain why it is important to openly include women and children in training Systema?

A.K.: Working with women raises social and psychological human adaptability. As for children, their energy is what we all want, in reality. If we give them a platform to perform, they will find their place in life.Training with women and children help all of us remove social and psychological blocks.

O.O.:The psychological and social aspects of Systema are mostly lost here. In several of your videos , you have a whiteboard or chalkboard in the background.I have never seen Systema broken down in a intellectual,holistic  and functional format like this. Is this an important part of teaching your students, the actual discussion of these topics?

A.K.:Yes, I break down the components of Systema as part of a model of living. It is a lifestyle. A total environment. A "system".

(...to be continued..)


For more information about Master Andrey Karimov click here.
To check out some of Master Karimov's videos go to his Youtube page here.
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Giving you what you need.: A Brief Interview with Andrey Karimov from Free Tr...

Giving you what you need.: A Brief Interview with Andrey Karimov from Free Tr...: This is a loosely translated ( I Google Translated my way through most of it) article written by Maria Leontiev.Permission was granted by M...

A Brief Interview with Andrey Karimov from Free Tribune Russia

This is a loosely translated ( I Google Translated my way through most of it) article written by Maria Leontiev.Permission was granted by Mr.Karimov to republish. 

Andrey Karimov is the head of the school, System of Siberian Cossacks. He is an anthropologist, ethnographer, a practicing psychologist, organizer of seminars for the general public and for Special Forces and police units in Russia and Serbia. He created the methodologies, "Ethnomusical Organization of Physical Education Of Preschoolers" and "Fathers and Sons." The following are questions from journalist Maria Leonteva (Kazan) from her interview for the online publication Free Tribune.
What is  System of Siberian Cossack ?

AK: This is a club of like-minded individuals, with whom are engaged in personal growth and development, who care about the education of children. We must understand that the "System of Siberian Cossack" is not some ancient system, and the name,is not the trade name recognizable among other clubs. We have a lot of different workshops for women, men and children. We partake in everything from the interaction of the family, to use of military equipment. Previously, when we had a big club in Novosibirsk, there were eighteen areas of work. Now, we  hold classes in the cities where we are invited. Basically, these are the topics that most people are interested in, such as fighting lessons, seminars for young men and seminars to educate children.

Tell us more about your methodology?

AK: The System of Siberian Cossacks - is about the education of personal identity, through internal questions such as  "Who am I?, Where am I going?, "Why do I exist?" and "If I exist, then what is my purpose?". These are the questions we try to answer through combat, rhythm and movement practices. Tools such as dance,movement and  vocal lessons, help people to actively participate in the world, and not be afraid of it. If you can whip out a voice, if you can stamp your foot, this in itself, encourages you to an active lifedtyle. With the first strike (heel on the floor), a man says, "I am here, I am, I am ready to act, I will act," thus culture encourages people to be.

Why should this person be encouraged specifically, is this not a natural need?

AK: Many people are not productive or are lost in a volitile attitude toward the world, so it is necessary to form a human need to consent to the personal identity. Many now think about this: "I - it's not me, but someone's application." Many live passively, as the poet said: "People are alive and afraid, and do not want to die." People go to work, then to the supermarket in the morning. For what? It is unclear. You must be the person that makes choices and acts creatively in the world to implement a mission, and to realize that people here reveal their soul. We must realize this is nature, and nature is this is the intention, the will and the  initiative. All these people have awareness through their own self realization. So we say - "be a man." What does it mean to fight? It means to defend your own borders, if necessary, be able to cross borders. When I ask whether it is possible for children to climb over fences, the majority says "no, no". But what if it is necessary to save someone on the other side of the fence? Still, half of the respondents say "no". That is what is difficult, strict  parents prevent children to realize the value of time on Earth, be here now, to be adaptable, to learn necessary lessons, to grow.

Why do people come to you at seminars ?

AK: Alot of people come to practice martial arts, and say that they want to learn to fight. But the most important thing remains hidden: the majority of people come from fear, and the real need is to teach them not to be afraid. It is important to recognize all of the instructors, who are engaged in teaching combat practice,this method of fear reduction.  Fears are many: fear of "being  beaten in the stairway" or that "I'm not like everyone else" or "if I build muscle , maybe more people will be attracted to me".  And in fact, this is wrong. It is necessary in life to foster love and creativity, not fear.

 On your website, among other activities specified, social adaptation is taught , but specifically towards military personnel. Why the does this need to be implimented? 

AK: (long silence ... )The fact is that when a person is gone a long time and learns to obey, he ceases to make independent decisions, and is always more or less clear what to do. Then, when he goes to a great life and does not expect such a large number of  bases. Do not expect that non-requirement exists. There are many promises andfalse points of emphasis to which the person is not ready, especially if he was brought up in simple terms and if he is expected to only carry out commands. Learn to understand what a lie is the only provocation military elite units, and many ordinary units do not teach this. But unfortunately,it is not only the consequences of military service, it is the  consequence of raising children in the daily environment at home and at school. As a result, people are becoming more adapted to the fast-paced life. At my school as a child,  they did not teach a person to distinguish fact from fiction. This is a  common question  now,during a more challenging time than ever before. The mission, is to distract people from self focus. Just as bank loans are designed to confuse a man's head, the same as in the supermarket, and so on.

 What other problems are there now in the education of children? What qualities are important to form a human child?

AK: The fact that the formation of the individual ends at seven years. In  pre-school education, at this age (seven years), everything is incorporated, which makes everything much harder. The child's brain is developing very actively up to three years, and then more slowly. Before that age should form three important things: trust, commitment and dedication. The fact that the child in our society does not have a yard, where he would play alone or with other children.Children are conducted ,constantly. Children are deprived of this self exploration, and it seems , the town is isolated from children. It threatens our consciousness and causes "hotbed education" in terms of any framework, soft or hard leads to the fact that a person dies or abandons action, closed in itself. A seven year old boy needs his mother and then he needs a leader,then he goes into another spatial condition in this fairy tale forest. Boys need uncles,positive role models and mentors. Society today is built on a matriarchy - all its institutions contribute to the comfort of life, focused on the institution of motherhood, even if it does not work, but is determined to protect women, the protection of women without a husband. The social protection system is configured for single mothers. How have we have developed such a system? The fact that the Soviet system at some point became very weak, whereas , previously, right from kindergarten, people had and acknowledgment of self, deeper self awareness and knew what steps to take next in life. The system has manifested to men being overprotective, rigid, or tyrannical, which are all essentially the same thing.  Those who tried to escape from the system, escaped through sports clubs, hiking or army. But now, the army is weak, because the officers are not independent and heavily rely on their mothers still "brushing teeth and washing their faces".

The Soviet system created groups of people who have forgotten how to think for themselves. and to make independent decisions. When and why did this happen?

AK:In fact, this happened when fighting with fists , died. Who is the fist? It is he who "sleeps on his fist," who think for themselves. What did the Soviet system do?This created people who have forgotten how to think for themselves and love themselves. That is, take care of their growth and development, to make independent decisions. There is a loss of responsibility in our young males.This is done in order to have a more obedient slave. And so it happened everywhere, seen as everywhere, the boys live with their mothers up to forty - fifty years, in Italy the same.

 What causes contributed to the loss of these practices?

AK:In Soviet times, the social life was highly regulated, and all forms of social life were subjected to inspection or sharp as it's called censorship. Especially those where people showed their independence or will, especially dance. They were not just washed out of the culture, and even condemned. It was believed that if you sing or danced openly, then you must be drunk. An example is the inability to use my voice. Physical causes - social consequence, people can not sing because their voice is clamped, then you need to remove the barriers that man could sing. Robbed voice robbed first parents, then the social structure. The fact that the culture of the Russian apparently created culture-soil, destroying any basis for making the soil more tolerant to any crop, although in itself susceptible culture and peaceful.

Which tool allows you to maintain the viability of the traditional culture of the person? 

AK: Cultures can create a social collaboration or collective. A social collaboration is designed to change a person from their current state, to charging them with energy for their future life. From well-known social collaborations,now only one remains.The feast. Then when people come together to eat, sing, talk. That in of itself, is a social idealology.

Among those who are engaged in the study and restoration of Russian folk culture, to denote the totality of knowledge and training in this line the word "tradition." What is a "tradition" in your understanding? 

AK:Tradition  is a set of principles or entity that transcends people through time and any particular place and time updated: old prolongs itself in the new. I have  even had the phrase "tradition, it germinates with the old in the new, still yourself and it becomes  real, modern" This is how I live, and stick to it.

Continuity is unique to the Russian tradition, or applicable to any tradition of people, is this your idealology? 

AK: I do not advocate separation of one thing from another. I love to find a commonality, so I will answer this way. Each person and each tradition attempts to answer questions about why people exist and for what - this is the main question .General culture, any tradition, encourages people to be, to act and continue to be ones' true self. Russian tradition to encourage to be - there are those who consider themselves Russian, helping to live in the world. And all its elements: intonation, rhythmic style of the past, and living for  the future. Soviet cultural policy has had a major impact on the national culture of all of it's people who were part of the country. The Russian culture is said to have suffered more than others. Because it is of Russian traditional culture that has created a culture of Soviet man. Was this lost throughout  authentic Russian tradition? Tradition has purpose and meaning and this goal has not changed, but some elements are, in fact,  lost. Tradition that can only be described as a phenomenon is present in large quantities. The main objective of folk culture, as already mentioned,is to induce a person to be. A person's ability to adjust to shock is what determines his life, fate or spirituality. But by itself blow means "gift" and the completion of the action, fell, saw surprised convinced. Objective resist, restrain strikes happening around. In this sense, culture is still preserved and continues to keep the strike. Punch - this is one of the necessary qualities, without which man can not be.

 This is only a man's quality culture? Or culture - is the notion of the male?

AK:No, women also have this ability, just in the female body, physiological ability to take a punch and can easily manifest, meaning , it is more natural. Men's quality punch brought tradition. Culture and it's elements, for instance, fairy tales, are intended to educate boys from the men. Culture largely focused on the education of men, and tales told to men. When men have ceased to teach it, we get young boys who can not take a punch. Culture keeps hitting only if it is independent, dependent, or if it is pegged, then sooner or later it dies. If a  boy is nursed for  a long time, as a result, he becomes either alcoholic or drug addict or commits suicide. So if we babysit our children too much,  traditionally, there is a paradox that results in only faster self destruction.

 Is not there a feeling that all the generations of Russian now substituted by such a blow?

AK:Well, what can I say, I'm certain some long lived abroad in Australia, Italy, Slovakia, Hungary, Serbia, Switzerland, Germany, Romania and I can tell you we have a unique country. To love our fatherland must move away from him, then feel to it spicy cravings and understanding of what is happening. I think there is a special mission and destiny that exists in Russia. Do not judge us about it, but I do know that we have the most interesting and unique people. What is now happening in the world is a huge, big idea and Russia plays a major role in it. In other countries, people look at Russia with hope, because the world is on the verge of mental and spiritual, or may not be exactly on the verge of a spiritual, not so easy to explain. Even despite the fact that we have problems with education, with all our tradition preserved the most in terms of initiative, commitment and trust.

Trust in what?

AK:Credibility of all, because there are many kinds of trust. To yourself, to know, to society, to God. In other countries, this level of mistrust leads to the fact that the person is a person in a case, a small coffin.

You say that for young boys, there are some basic phases of maturation, reflected in popular culture with the help of symbols, archetypes, and fairy tale characters that correspond to each phase of growing your space action. The growth phase, when a boy - a child in the fairy tales portrayed the hare, the phase of the sample and experience guy - wolf phase of affairs when a man, breaking initiation wedding, acquires strength and tenacity, and is called a" bear "in the tale, and then, breaking childbearing period, becomes an old man - "gray wolf", acquires wisdom and acceptance. Whether it is possible to extrapolate and say in what phase of maturation is now the Russian society as a whole?

AK: In the nineties, the company was on the stage Man, everyone was like wolves tearing all, such a wild flock without a king in the head, in the tale says that the guy is then your skills to the king, behold the nineties, this is the time for. And now I find it hard to say, the government act like men, changed mentality, they see the provocation and are able to take a punch. The man knows how to fend feints, ie attacks the double intention.

You're talking about what is happening in Ukraine? 

AK:Ukraine - is only part of the big plan, what is happening in the world. If we talk about social roles, I see that the leadership walk as the mature people who can meet the challenges of the outside.
Culture tends to be rehabilitated and even somewhat aggressive play itself when the system pressure and censorship ends. This can be seen, for example, in the stage of the national republics, not of good quality, but differing viability. Why this is not happening with Russian culture? There are several reasons.
Firstly, the Russian culture is also a literary culture. Between secular and urban popular culture, between them is still a struggle, even though the first two picks in the juices. It is believed that the villagers uneducated, uncultured, they say. Although contrary language is the main means of authentic culture, the language is retained by the people, of popular culture took many composers such as Glinka and Bortnyansky.

How do you feel about modern music, which is located at the junction of the pop culture,What about mass and folk tradition, when musicians are synthesized traditional and modern culture?

AK: In the hands of masters of the culture, as well as any product does not die, but continues to evolve, but some performer's material "dies" in his hands and lips.

What does "die"mean? 


AK:Culture encourages people to live and act. If the material encourages people to become stuck, or hang, then it destroys the person. Here's how to get unstuck,  either be or not be. This idea either increases the power to create, to grow, to develop, so it is a continuation of life. If it only entertains, corrupts, take away, then this toxic culture is killing the person.

To check out Andrey Karimov's website (it's in Russian) ...start here.
To visit his You Tube Page , ....go here
To read this article in it's entirety  go here
Follow most of Mr. Karimov's USA / Texas info here.
To find some one of the best blogs that also has a Q & A with Mr. Karimov, written by Emlyn Phillips , click here

Food, Folklore and Fairy Tales: Creating a System(a)

Recently, I delved into a bevy of delight when Andrey Karimov and I began exchanging folklore tales via videos and images . Mostly, I found alot of translated Cossack imagery and tales that were from an antiquated book, and I was checking with him to see if he had heard of them.I am very fond of the art of alot of the stories.

But also, much to my surprise, alot of the tales very much mirrored what I grew up hearing in my own Mexican American culture...
Now , I could on and on and do a side by side analysis of the similarities and imagery, but that would be a whole nother blog...

But for now, one of the key things that I have noticed is that for the most part, the traditional tone of both cultures easily merges. As Mr. Karimov and I share You Tube videos of each other's respective cultures , whether it's song, dance,or performance, we almost always are amazed at how closely related the details are.
At one point, I asked if we had been separated at birth( he didn't respond). While Mr. Karimov takes the time to preserve his heritage, I am off and on trying to dig into mine. Having ADD makes it no easy task and I often get swept away into hours of reading something I never thought I would.
While he knows songs and folklore of his rich Cossack heritage, I can only name a few of the Mexican Folktales I remember from childhood. In fact, one of my favorite folklores , I have tattooed on my back simply because, I have no other real connection of my ancestory and it was one of my favorite tales that my grandfather told me repeatedly , when we spent time together.
This is why meeting Mr. Karimov became more than finding out about Systema. It became a virtual life shift, from the mundane, to now daily reading and studying as much as I can about both worlds. It is a huge undertaking and more than a full time job. How Mr. Karimov does this, is beyond me. I barely remember which was the last book I read a week ago, let alone...which video correlates to what topic we're talking about.
This leads me to believe that Andrey Karimov is a type of phenomenon that we rarely see in our lives. While we like to believe we all meet people for a reason...meeting Mr. Karimov at this specific time in my life , I would have to say, has been the most refreshing thing that has happened in a while. I endlessly get lost in his catalogs of videos of song, dance and music, yet his one to two word responses to my lengthy questions always delight me.
This, to me..is Systema. And while we rarely talk about actual Russian Martial Arts anymore in the "Systema" context, I am always referred back to the meaning of the word..."system". This is a system or method that we should all adapt to. Caring about each other, making connections, forming communities and reaching out to people. Nevermind the awesome training and sword work that visually speaks for itself, but through this type of friendship, we have created something more...a SYSTEM.
The closest thing I've witnessed to something similar to this in my own Hispanic culture was something that happened a few years ago when my son started public school.
I remember desperately trying to rally up members for his low performing school's PTA. I was appointed Vice President(I don't even think I ran for election) and there was a mom, Gloria, who was very active among the Hispanic population of the school(which was 65% Hispanic). Once she realized that I spoke Spanish, her and I became a force and a voice for the Hispanic families that had children in this school. I knew my son was not going to attend there the following year, so I did everything I could to prep her for becoming the school's PTA president. We poured over documents, English lessons, meeting notes(there weren't many) and anything I could think of. Together, we managed to develop two literacy programs for the school and one ESL program so parents can help tutor and learn with their kids.It was exhausting to say the least. Gloria and I rarely spoke outside of school, but one day she called me. I immediately thought something was wrong...(no one calls me, really, unless something is wrong). She asked me what I was bringing to the teacher luncheon the following day.
Because she found out I was a chef, she wanted to see if I was bringing anything spectacular..I told her I was just bringing dip...but it was really good. She laughed and asked if I wanted her to make anything from my childhood.
Now if you're Hispanic, you know this means..tamales. Part of our culture is widely based on food. So without even saying it..she told me she had already made some and was going to save extra for me.
The next day at the luncheon, Gloria and I met in the hallway..she had me follow her to the room where the food was going to be served. When I walked into the room , I all but dropped my pathetic dip with bread bowl, I had spent a total of 15 minutes making. There, in all it's glory, was a buffet fit for several kings. There were about thirteen other hispanic women and Gloria, still working on food preparations. One of the women took my dip from my hands and handed me a plate. The look on my face must have said it all...because she then grabbed my arm and walked me to the first section of food. I was in complete , utter , food anthropology heaven. Some of these women were from El Salvador and South America. Most are from Mexico and none, not one, understood why I was about to cry.
All I remember doing was hugging each of them and getting really, really emotional. While they laughed emphatically, I remember the look on Gloria's face.... she winked at me and in that instant, I knew we had formed a small community. And despite my food geekiness, the women filled my plate with way more food than I could ever imagine. A week or so later, Gloria invited me to her son's birthday party. I asked her if she needed any help and all she said was "don't pass out when you see the food"(in Spanish). When I arrived at the park, there was more food in so many pots and containers than I could ever imagine. I immediately told her she needed to open a restaurant and started calling everyone I knew who had some information on how to help her. She looked at me like I was crazy...but then said" if I open a restaurant, how would I be at the school all the time?"
This was a dilemma. I told her to think about it and to invite me to every gathering she ever had for the rest of my life. And she did, until she moved.
But also, she became PTA president the very next school year. She held meetings in Spanish with an English translator, and did very well for the school. This, was a System.It was a community and probably the closest thing to forming a sustainable source effectively as possible. And it wasn't just one person, it was a few of us...but we did it.
When I look into Mr. Karimov's world, I notice that everyone magically works together. There aren't too many days that go by that I don't communicate with him, and there are even a few days here and there that I talk to some of his instructors from other countries. And seemingly, we are all on the same page. It is such a great feeling to know that this exists, albeit a zillion miles away. It makes you really wonder why this doesn't exist here in the US? Is this an issue as a whole for martial arts? Since I do not know that many martial artists, it would be hard for me to check. I do know that my son's former martial arts instructor and I still talk frequently and I do know, that if she ever needed anything, I would be there for her and vice versa. But maybe, that is only because we clicked. I also know that if any of the people I have trained with , needed something and called me, I'd be there for them too. How could I not? We have all been through some pretty weird things together, and sweated on each other, saw some blood, some emotions...some life. It would be a great System if it stayed that way.

As I was typing this, I decided to watch "Tyson" a documentary about Mike Tyson. His former beloved coach and mentor, Cus D'Amato said this "I never teach until I’ve spoken to the fighter. I have to first determine his emotional state, get his background, to find out what I have to do, how many layers I have to keep peeling off so that I get to the core of the person so that he can recognize, as well as I, what is there."
I almost fell off my chair when I heard this. This is what ,Mr. Karimov and I had been talking about . This is not a new concept, but clearly , produces world championship results. Unfortunately, Mike Tyson fell apart once Mr. D'Amato passed away, but swears that his life would have been much worse had he not had the few impermeable years he had , with him.Imagine, if he had remained alive, the completely healthy mental shape Mike Tyson would have been in? Andrey and I have spent hours upon hours talking about the psychology of Systema. Something I never really thought much about until I asked him.And when I now say "he's my instructor" people must think , "she is crazy, he's in Russia!!"Let me be very clear. I know that. He knows that. But I have learned so much from him about the mindset of training, that I am baffled that it is not discussed here. What he has taught me, is far better from any fall or punch I have conditioned my body to take. Sure , maybe mindset and mental state are mentioned in a few books, but the sense of understanding what real Systema is, now, more than ever...has stopped me dead in my tracks.In a good way.
Now, for the life of me, I don't understand why Andrey Karimov spends so much time interacting with me, but I am truly grateful, to him and his beautiful family. It has made such a huge impact on my personal training goals and direction I would like to take and definitely has opened my eyes to a world of possibilities not only for myself, but for my family , friends and community. How can one person make such a difference? Just by being open and talking. In fact, sometimes, I watch his training videos and think, "this was the man that I just talked to about Russian Folktales?".Because, he is so very , very powerful at training, and so very enjoyable to talk to, you'd almost swear it is two different people...but that is because I had such preconceived notions of what an "instructor" and "instruction" is.I have even , in fact, asked him if it was him in all the videos and still the same person I talk to. Can a person have such a dynamic of being both a great artist and compassionate human being? Yup. And he wants everyone to feel the same. It's a System. Defined in the rawest, purest , state.
And on the heals of all this, I remembered  a picture someone sent me this morning, that made my mouth drool...

And yes, I am aware it is a religious setting, and yes, maybe I shouldn't have noticed the food first. But more importantly , I noticed just simple sense of community. Whether it be a church setting, ladies luncheon, or martial arts group meal....this is still Systema. 

click here to watch one of my favorite Systema videos of all time

Fear Mongering: How You Can Learn About Fear, For Free!!

Ever since I began my training in Systema, probably the one thing I heard over and over was the word "fear".
Now, just hearing that word, may make people start to slightly panic.That's right, if you tell people, "today, we are going to work on FEAR control", then you may get some reaction.
When someone says that to me, I immediately think of clowns.Clowns scare me. They are a legitimate fear.

Just found out this is Tim Curry, so that makes it ok.

But, in training, fear control is taught in different ways. Everyone is kinda more or less told that to control fear , they have to evolve and work through their own thresholds. Now this, as someone who has had several close calls with death, sounded completely foreign to me. How can anyone teach people how to control fear, if we all have different fear levels? How is this possible? How do you even know what my fear is, if you have just met me?
Well the answer is, it isn't fear control. It's panic control.But because that's more or less a subjective word, it is replaced with "fear". Why? Because the word "fear"sells. Quickly.If I tell you, "here, I will give you all the tools you need to defend yourself from getting attacked and to stop being scared", you may believe it. You will really believe it if you go to a seminar and watch others believe it.
But, if you've been in a close call, or near death incident, you may check your psyche.For me , personally, my fearful moments were not getting mugged, or jumped, or assaulted. My moments were: being in a burning house, hearing my son was in a horrible car accident, having a nurse tell me that I had a miscarriage.
That, is fear. Those precise moments. Also, alot of panic. But mostly, fear.There is no way, on earth, you can teach me to prepare for those moments. Why ? Because for the most part, I had no idea any of these things would happen to me . Those incidents happen so quickly, that your mind sometimes doesn't react right away(this is perhaps why PTSD sets in).
In training, in a classroom type environment(indoor or outdoor), it was impossible for me to experience even the same level of fear as any of my real life experiences. Class had a start and stop time and I felt completely comfortable getting thrown around, hit , kicked, stepped on. I did not ever experience fear. Nor would I want to.
However, across the board, the basic training for this fear control(fear of what, I'm not sure) , was breath holds. Breath holds, if you read about it in any Systema blog,book or see in a class, consist of burst breathing, breath holding, breath releasing etcetc, until you almost or in fact, do pass out. If you've ever played the "pass out game"(which many children every year die from), it is the same feeling. I've done this breath work and the results were horrible, not scary. I threw up in my own mouth once, I blacked out another time, and the last and final time I did it, I had the worst migraine I've ever had in my life. Was I scared? No.
Mad? Yes.Very. Why was I doing this? I knew what my fears were and there was no way this breaking psyche point of breath holding was going to get me there. Apparently, you are supposed to feel a sense of panic and be able to control yourself when you get to that point. The point when you should be gasping for air, you're supposed to hold out a little longer.
Um.Newsflash. I, like many people...suffer from asthma. Telling me "you know..stop breathing so you start panicking" is like telling King James how to write the Bible.
I KNOW how this feels. Again..even suffocating during an asthma attack, not the same fear as being mugged , in a fire, or hearing really bad news. Not even close.

actual picture from that day

Why? Because I have had asthma almost my whole life. I am a pro at asthma. I have the kind that no one wants. The kind that can be dormant for a year then provide me with another year of complete confusion and an array of medications.In fact, I am so calm, cool and collected during my almost choke-to-death asthma sessions, that even my own Doctor was concerned during a visit once when I arrived in her office and I was gasping for air. I was there for something completely unrelated to asthma and a certain airborne scent triggered me. By the time her nurse was checking my lungs, I was in full blown attack. My son sat and read his book and I calmly looked for my inhaler, while the doctor and nurse ran from room to room searching for a nebulizer. This is now what I feel is a result of lifelong exposure to the chaos that surrounds this disease. My calm demeanor during the attack is a result of years long panic and frantic not knowing what to do. Immersion therapy at it's finest. Because I was in a total environment with this disorder, I knew how to calmly and confidently handle the situation.
So how or what makes anyone who starts out in Systema think they can confidently handle a surprise attack? How can you train for fear, if you are not in a total "fear" environment? How do you even define your own fear levels , if you have not ever been in the situation of being attacked, randomly, unprovoked, and without warning.You know how you can do this?
Enlist.
That's right..sign up for any one of the armed forces and train. Train like you mean it. Train like you are fighting for something or someone . There are no Systema competitions, (other than the "my ego is better than your ego" ones, or "my gym has more participants than yours"), so why do any of us think we are training for a total fear environment? Because we bought into the marketing.
As I began writing this a few days ago, something really disturbing hit the news wire. A woman was beheaded in Oklahoma, by a coworker. While the level of " I told you so's" hit the internet, I sat and waited to see which martial artist was ready to capitalize on this. How did I know this would happen? Patterned behavior.
Within 24 hours a notable school here mentioned how their women's class switched to "anti-beheading measures"
Ummmmmm, what? How do you even begin to teach a class on that? Do they teach this class in countries that have frequent beheadings?  I don't know what was actually discussed in class, but a first thought would be teaching situational awareness, BUT , if you are already training in any martial arts , you should already have been taught that....I would think.
Unless, you need to be SOLD that you NEED to be taught how to protect yourself from a beheading. Other than donating all the class proceeds to the victim's family, I cannot imagine how this is possible. Unless class consisted of praying for the victim and witnesses, then I am completely , once again, face planting into my keyboard. Then, openly discussing that , this was your class topic...wha??
While I wish Systema here would stop targeting vulnerable individuals,and fear mongering groups of people,  I see the financial gain from it. Once I stepped back from the US Systema methods  and looked at international options, I realized..this is an American problem. The marketing for most classes usually consists of " protect yourself" or " know yourself" or " learn combat style", or even better, "advanced weapons training". And you know what I found? Some of the best, finest, most well rounded Systema groups and instructors, don't even advertise or have classes, AND..they will talk to you..for freeeeeeeee!
 I wish we would all question "what are we really training for?"
Are we all weekend warriors ? Are any of us really prepared for real live fear?
Everyone knows, being in battle, of any kind..is REAL fear training. A mom who's son just got diagnosed with leukemia...fear.
A mom, who sees her child's teacher on TV arrested for molestation. Fear.
A mom, who can't find her kid in a grocery store.Fear.
A dad, who's daughter goes missing after he tells her to break up with a certain male. Fear.
Seeing no movement on an ultrasound , after being pregnant for five months....fear.
Signing up for war......
These are all examples of real fear. Telling me that holding my breath until I vomit, or holding me down while six people are rolling over me..not fear. Not even close. Maybe , panic at best..but even then, class is only a few hours..so I know, it will be done.
If you have trained for Systema for more than three years, you could have easily joined the military. Not only would you receive FREE combat training, FREE uniforms and FREE travel, you would receive real live FEAR training. For free...in fact, this country will pay YOU(at some point, if you make it out alive).I dare any of us to approach any vet that just came back from a war and brag to them about how many Systema seminars we've been to, or who's school we just got back training from , or which instructor punched us while we sheepishly waited in line. Please..do tell a vet about your highly paid for combatives training, show them the shirt you paid for.See what happens.

As for myself, I will continue to face my daily fears of not knowing if I will ever recover from a spinal injection, or if I will ever heal from a tragic loss, or if I can financially maintain my household long enough for my body to get back into working order.This is fear.

Study the definitions alone, challenge yourself, your instructor, your life.

Fear is a vital response to physical and emotional danger—if we didn't feel it, we couldn't protect ourselves from legitimate threats. But often we fear situations that are far from life-or-death, and thus hang back for no good reason. Traumas or bad experiences can trigger a fear response within us that is hard to quell. 

Panic  suddenly destroying the self-control and impelling to some frantic action.

Bamboozled to deceive or get the better of (someone) by trickery, flattery, or the like; hoodwinked (often followed by into)

Learn about :
Psychological marketing .

Giving you what you need.: Out of the Mouths of Babes :How a Seven Year Old B...

Giving you what you need.: Out of the Mouths of Babes :How a Seven Year Old B...: Recently, our family was eating lunch at one of our favorite establishments . My fiancee and I were openly talking about the events that ha...

Out of the Mouths of Babes :How a Seven Year Old Broke it Down

Recently, our family was eating lunch at one of our favorite establishments. My fiancee and I were openly talking about the events that had taken place earlier in the day in front of our children (our children are very perceptive and would, quite honestly, know if something was wrong).
We had been discussing a bizarre phone call I received from a martial arts instructor that made zero sense to me. (see, Being Blindsided:How We Succumb to the Misguidance of Others).
As I tried to explain the overall tone of the conversation, and began even confusing myself, I looked over at my 7 year old stepdaughter, innocently eating her meal, tearing lettuce with her hands, piece by piece.
Typically, when I am really confused by the actions of people, I can ask any child around me at any given time and say " what do you think this means if someone does this". Their answers will amaze you.
The conversation went something like this:
 "So, this man calls me, a man I do not know, and starts to talk over me, begins telling me the path I should take in my professional martial arts training career, starts gossiping, tells me I am making a huge mistake by going to Russia, is trying to HELP me...and , I didn't even ask him.What do you think that means? I mean, I see you taking your huge chunks of lettuce and you want them to be small pieces of lettuce, what do you do?"

I glanced over at her father and said ..."Watch her break down what I need to do..."

She is quite fond of these games. We play them regularly. She very blankly looked at us and tore the chunk of lettuce into small pieces and took a bite of her meal. And said " you just tear it". I rolled over into a ball of laughter.

Yes.That's right..just tear it.

Often time as adults, we get so wrapped up in the complication of getting from point A to point B, that we forget how incredibly easy it can be to go on a the journey. We struggle, emotionally, mentally, physically. We run into all sorts of obstacles and sometimes, even stray from our path. We forget that we can just go around the obstacles and get to where we need to be. We can easily get sucked into over thinking anything and everything, and can be very easily slowed down by the pettiest of things.

While my stepdaughter didn't wholly understand the great value her visual demonstration of what she did, she got the idea.
Why listen to anyone over explain what I need to do, when I KNOW what I want to do?

This is why children are so supremely valuable to learn from , they are raw, real , honest and to the point. If you allow them to be. If you give them an outlet, you may learn more from them, then they will learn from you.

As I sit and painfully watch the migration of Systema in the United States go from something that could have been deeply formulated to embrace children in a more direct and positive starting point, I do understand, for most, this is a combative art. However, I do not understand why alot of instructors refuse, hate or even gasp at the thought of having a kids class or two.
Even better, why not have a parent/child class?
Now , I may be divulging some ancient secrets here, but there is NO better workout than playing with some squirrly 6 year olds. Let me repeat...playing with a group of 6 -8 year olds, will make any crossfitter bust a knee cap, pull a tendon..or worse...laugh.

As I longingly watch Andrey Karimov's You Tube Channel, I immediately seek out the ones where the men are training with children. The children are climbing, rolling, spinning, twirling, jumping , and really, really getting into it. They make their body movements look so easy, it is almost hard not to want to be a kid again. In fact, I repeatedly ask him if I can just take the kids class....
And the men in the videos? This is their warm-up. This is their psyche breaking. This is their bonding.This is their way to let go, have fun and loosen up. Before they work on themselves.

And if you think for two seconds it isn't a workout, I beg you to watch the looks on some of these men's faces at the end of the videos. It is priceless.

Even better?? Mr.Karimov has a line formation of adults and they respectfully shake the hands of their pint sized training partners. I don't know about you, but that almost makes me tear up every time I look at it.

As a society , we have completely lost touch with our children. I am guilty of it myself. I mentally check out if my son is droning on a bit too long about Minecraft, or if my stepdaughter repeats her idea for a complex saddle design that , clearly , only she can visualize. There are days when I, personally am so tired, I sit and stare at them playing and think "I should play with them" , but have no energy to do it.

Unless , they make me.Which usually involves one or both of them , sneak attacking me, scaring me, or some other ploy to get me involved.And for this, I feel extremely horrible. I should, SHOULD be going to them. Our time with them is so precious, I should be engaging them. I should.

As martial artists, we should too. These children, are our futures. They are the future leaders, teachers, doctors , lawyers, warriors that we will need to make it. We need to fully invest what time we can with them. And that, that is how Mr. Karimov teaches.
When I asked Mr. Karimov what or how  he needed to teach a class here in Texas, his number one request he had was "children".

I sat shocked, stared at the screen for a minute, thinking Google Translate failed me again. I assumed he was going to say " a padded gym , some whips, 20 participants, $9000000, a translator, a limo, green M & M's facing the same way in a bowl". But it was just "children".

If you have children, and you're reading this..I beg you to spend one or two hours a week, just trying some simple exersizes with them.My son and I began training together over the summer and it not only bonded us immensely, he was able to finally take me down after two years of trying. He said it was his proudest moment of the year. My stepdaughter , during our training, has become one of the best massage therapists ever.She delicately shoves her tiny feet into my back all while laughing and making jokes. She has become a near expert on not falling off her father during their "hang on tight" sessions, and she is 100 times more confident than I have ever seen her.
And I, I personally have seen their new found strength as a sign of what I had been missing for a while...connection.

I probably won't ever be able to eat lettuce the same again, without thinking of her analogy, but I will remember that if I am going to do something, I'm just going to do it.


If you need ideas on what to do with your children ( at any age level by the way)...
you can check out this video. And guess what? Alot, if not all of it, is a precursor into training Systema(traditional).

To visit Mr. Karimov's You Tube page, for more exciting videos, never before seen footage and detailed demonstrations check out his You Tube Page here.

Being Blindsided: How We Succumb to the Misguidance of Others

Today, I dropped my son off at school, in what I like to call "the drop off/pick up lane of doom". It is an intricate barrage of SUVs, small cars, students, angry parents, rushing parents, disrespectful people, and well...an all out nightmare. On any given morning or afternoon, you will hear honking, witness near fender-benders, and even see a few kids almost get hit by cars. The speed limit is 20 mph, but you'd think it's 200. I digress.
Today was very typical. I guided my car near the sidewalk so my son can unload his belongings and prance off into his morning limelight, while I sit and wait in my car for maybe 10 minutes to let some of the mania die down.
I carefully, always, inch my very brightly colored car into the street and turn onto whatever the nearest side street is to escape all this. This maneuver, requires a ton of skill, faith and patience, even thought it's just a simple turn.
You have to have full faith when going through this. Not in yourself, but in the person that *hopefully* will let you cut in front of them to make the turn. Usually, you are up against someone in an SUV , who is rushing to get out of there as quickly as you are. This person, must give you the "ok" to proceed, and if you do so, you have to assume they are helping you make a safe decision.
Assume.

I never assume the person who is telling me it's "ok" to go ahead and slide in front of them, is 100% trustworthy. Yet , everyday, when we drive..we , as a whole , do this.
While I was waiting my turn, a woman motioned the "ok" to proceed. I held my hand up , motioning back for her to wait. She flayed her hand at me again, with a bit of an aggressive tone. I motioned her to "wait" again.
What she didn't see, and what I was looking at, was a mom in a small car, on a side street, trying to slowly inch her way past everyone, who evidently, had a crying baby in the backseat. She kept looking back to the backseat, reaching down, looking back, reaching...trying just to get out of where we were. I had been there. Anyone knows, if you have a screaming infant in the backseat of a car, you just want to get home.
The woman, in the SUV, had become increasingly frustrated at my lack of following her command, and gunned her truck. At the same moment, the frantic mom, inched almost directly into the SUV. I was in the middle of trying to motion to the mom to stop, when this happened. Luckily no one was hurt and we all slid out of there as though it was just an everyday malfunction.
I pulled over and took a deep breath.THIS, was exactly what I just went through in my everyday life.

When we hear about things from other people, about how great they are, and we become interested..we may partake, sign up , attend..etc. If we like what's going on ,we become regulars, or attendees , students.This could apply to anything. Music, dance, yoga..martial arts...

When we follow leaders that we feel  may be a good match for us, we aren't really thinking much about it. If it feels right, we go with it. If they treat you poorly, we assume, it was something we did, and trek on.
We don't think much of their guidance into "traffic" . We put a ton of faith that these people,that act as though they know what they are doing, that's why we are all there. Nodding in unison.
We may be wrong....but no one says anything. No one questions it. Not in the open, anyway.
When you begin to get a better sense of "hmmm, that wasn't the first time I was mistreated(led into oncoming traffic), you start to really question yourself. Why am I here? What was I thinking? What have I been putting up with? And when you back away, as sad as it may be, you gain some clarity and insight. You see the bigger picture, ingest, and pick up the pieces .

When you get trapped by the misguidance and advice of several of these people at once, you feel one of a few things 1) surely, all these people can't be untrustworthy, 2)surely, they would stand by me as they said they would, 3) surely, they won't guide me into some traffic and leave me there to get hammered into. Surely, they wouldn't.
But they can, have and will. If this happens, alot of people suggest, just staying quiet, slipping away, and letting yourself become a victim , since..these , after all...are some pretty noted leaders.

In my experience, there is no right way to deal with getting led into heavy or dangerous traffic by strangers. At the end of the day, you are responsible for yourself and expecting people to remain by your side, is almost an impossible feat.
Take care of yourself, the best you can...it may be a fight, may mean you make some enemies, it may mean, you , by your own sword, determine your fate. But don't do what THEY want you to do. After all, they are the ones that took you there.

All experiences, are  learning lessons. Take what you can, from any of them. If you total your car, because someone guided you incorrectly, YOU will still be without a car. However...you may get another one,a newer one, or learn the bonus of public transportation. If you lose friends, because someone misguided you, you may realize, those people..really weren't your friends in the first place, BUT you will make new friends, and maybe even better ones...and , you will now officially know what to look for in a mentor( I hope).

This leads me back to Andrey Karimov.
Initially, I stopped training Systema with any schools, because I felt like I was not getting out of it what I needed. I wanted something a little more holistic, lively, fun..real.
I watched a few of Mr. Karimov's videos online , and noticed a few things:
1) kids- he has almost as many videos working with children(with adults) as he does of knife work, whip work, and other training
2)music-there is music(usually he plays the instrument himself) in almost every video. In fact,in our house..we walk around humming the familiar tune .
3)smiles-even some of what seems to be the most complex and face cringing moves, you will notice a few smiles and even laughter here and there.
4)camaraderie- Andrey has camps and all inclusive seminars. He does't seem isolated from his group. He is fully involved in what he teaches. FULLY.
5)passion. This man..is probably more passionate about what he teaches than I am about what kind of donuts I eat. If you knew me, you'd know what that means.

I couldn't ask for a better path to go down. I couldn't have hand picked a better person to talk to about Systema, than him. He gives me hope and encouragement ( even though I didn't think I needed it), far beyond what I could have expected. He is delightful , helpful and full of knowledge. At the very least, he is inspirational. At best, he forces you to really, really think.

Someone recently contacted me and said , " THIS man you are aligning yourself with is a bully!Just look at him, look at how he trainssss..LOOOOOK AT HIMMMMMM! I will help you , figure out what YOU want!!!"

I'm sorry, what?
A) I didn't ask
B)If he is so horrible, why has he spent so much of his free time talking to me, and showing me a part of his magically traditional life? (no instructor here, has done that.ever).
C)You TELLING me, that someone is a bully, then TELLING me I need to stop associating with him is, kinda by definition, now making you a bully.
D)Considering what I just went through with a group of male "martial artists" threatening, backstabbing and trash talking me, I'm still here, out in the open..I **think** I'll be ok.

At the end of the day...they are all life lessons. I will do as I please, step on some toes, make friends, make enemies, make choices.


But most certainly, I will NOT be misguided by anyone into oncoming traffic again.

To watch more of Andrey Karimov's work with children, check out this video:
Andrey Karimov children and adult combo class.
.
To learn more about bullying and how to detect or stop it visit : Stop Bullying Now

To find out how to find a good martial arts instructor,  simple tips on choosing an instructor

The Shot Heard Around the World . Sort of.

When I started even remotely thinking about writing a blog about Systema, I immediately told myself " I will not write about the shooting. I won't."
As the few days in between deciding to write about training and Systema, it is the one thing that kept creeping back into my head.
"How can I not write about the ONE thing that single-handily changed how I felt about Systema?"

It was a week in November, and honestly, I don't even know what day or year anymore.Not that long ago.
My boyfriend (now fiancee) at the time, was at a school in Alabama. I spent my time while he was gone training and working and maintaining our household...the usual.
Our Systema class had just wrapped up on a Thursday night...and those of us who stuck around to chat with our instructor had filed into a back room. As they meandered off, I asked my former instructor if he was still going to the "event". He wasn't sure at that point, and I had only asked him because I was supposed to lend him a weapon or something of the sort...
When I asked him why he wasn't going ...he said" I don't know..I haven't heard anything from anyone."
There was something about the energy shift in the room, in our space, that creeped over me. I remember thinking to myself "oh God..don't go".
He looked over at me and said "( I will not use the names)"is being kinda weird lately...just , I dunno.It is what is is , I guess."
I immediately quipped " you don't have to go, besides, I can't figure out the whole where the weapon thing is".( I was supposed to make sure he had some firearm to use).
Either he didn't hear me, or ignored me(which wasn't unusual)..and we walked out.

That was the last time I had seen my former instructor without bullet wounds.
The following day, it was business as usual around my house..my son was with his father for the day , which meant I got to sit and relax and watch movies and read.

When my phone rang, I saw it was my boyfriend, I thought nothing of it.We were still in the romantical phase where he casually called me to say hi and we would talk about nothing and everything.
At the same time, my son was being dropped off by his father.My son, who was about to turn 11, came bouncing into the house, chatting away, telling me about his weekend. My phone was still ringing so I finally told my son to settle so I could talk on the phone.

I answered...and I don't specifically remember what happened next. I remember sitting on my bed, with the book I was reading, and my son was leaning against the doorway. His face went from having a huge smile on it, to looking completely pale and now had watered eyes. Whatever was being told to me, I was evidently repeating out loud. Later on , I was told this was described as 'third party shock'
I immediately remember yelling at my son to leave the room and he scattered. I closed the door and managed to get back on my bed. I asked whatever was said to be repeated.

"(Instructor) has been shot..they don't know if he's gonna live. I don't know if hes gonna live...(pause). I mean..I don't know what's going on..I just got a call.."

I remember specifically asking if it was on purpose. I don't know why I asked this, but in my head..if it was an accident , he would have a better chance of living. But then again, the person who shot him was a "top weapons expert/Systema badass" ....it really could have gone either way.
I don't even know what I said after I understood what was going on. I just remember my phone was on the floor and I was too. I remember praying for the first time in 20 years. I chanted every prayer in every language I could think of. Then it hit me. I had to tell our training partners. No one else, other than our instructor's closest friend and the people at the seminar, knew what happened. Once I realized his friend was on the way to be with him, I knew I had to be the one to tell everyone else.
I opened my bedroom door and my son stood there, clutching his Systema Tshirt and said" is he going to live?"
We both broke down immediately. I had cried before..alot...but not like this. I immediately began throwing up and feeling dizzy. I told my son it would be ok, but he and I both knew it wouldn't.
I looked for my phone and noticed my computer screen was up . I immediately called the first person who I could see that was online.
I didn't think about what he was doing or if he was eating with his wife. I didn't think " what if he was having a bad day" and I will never forgive myself for that. I just did what I did.
I remember trying to not cry as the words forcefully came from my mouth. I remember him yelling and almost crying and going silent. This was a man who was probably hands down, the best partner I have ever trained with. We both sat on the phone ,quiet. I heard his wife ask what was happening and my son asked the same.
I don't even remember who I called next. I remember thinking "this is not my place, I don't even know (instructor) that well"....and "oh God..I can't do this".
The course of the next few minutes were pretty vague. I was in shock combined with hysteria. No amount of Systema breathing I learned kicked in. Not once. Ever.And, only minutes had passed since I got the phone call. These minutes seemed like hours.
I decided I had to call all the hospitals in Dallas, where our instructor was being transported to. The last one I called was the one I was born in. I felt like since I was born there, then I should have easy access to how he was doing.
I was wrong.
I had been hung up on more times in 3 minutes than ever in my life. I was lucky that the first nurse told me his Starflight just landed...but that's all I got out of her.
I finally decided to call back and violate every HIPPA law known to man.I lied my way through maybe 8 nurses and operators and found one very compassionate ER/ICU nurse.
Her words will haunt me for the rest of my life.
"He doesn't look good. You may want to tell your family to get down here. There are alot of grown men crying and in shock...I don't know what happened but I've never seen anything like this.Have you checked to see when the next flight from Austin to Dallas is?"
As I hung up with her, I realized I had not checked to see if any of the men that were at the seminar were OK. I called back and asked to get patched to the ER waiting room.
A very soft spoken Hispanic man answered the phone. I immediately began asking him if there were any men in the room . He had no idea what I was talking about. I realized he only spoke Spanish, so I immediately shifted gears. I asked him if there were any grown men in the room , maybe covered in blood, or that looked in shock. He said he had just seen some men walk away and set the phone down to go after them. He came back and said they walked too far away from where he could catch up. He asked me what happened.
I told him what I could translate in Spanish and, before I knew it he was consoling me. He told me to wait a second and got back on the phone and asked me if it was OK if he prayed for my former instructor while we were on the phone.
He started praying the rosary and said he would give me a condensed version so I can figure out what to do next, but would continue praying and looking for the group of men. This was now the second time in 20 years I had prayed.When we hung up , I realized I had no idea who this man was..but he was the first person that helped me breathe again.
The next few hours turned into a cacophony of phone calls, messages, check ins, and figuring things out. I called in sick to work just so I could stand by and hope that there was good news. I started a new job and had a previous track record for not ever calling in sick.
I called and messaged every "higher up" in the C.O.C.. I could think of. Repeatedly. I even called and messaged the shooter. Alot.
I got little or no response from the C.O.C. I take that back..I got a blanket email from the main group. I got a message from another tier level instructor that said "thanks, we've got it from here"or something of the sort.
I don't know what I was going to say to these men, but I was going to say something. It was day two of the incident and not one word on social media, or anywhere about it.Not one.
By day three I had enough. I knew that my classmates were at the hospital working in shifts, I knew that this man, my instructor,  had two amazing children that may or may not have a father return home. I knew that if he returned home, I, personally, did not want him to worry about anything. I told myself if I planned his return home to be serene, then that meant , I put it into the universe that he WAS returning home.
I began calling my friends who own restaurants to ask if I could borrow their kitchen overnight , because I was going to do a one woman bake sale to raise money. None of them were shocked, but wanted to know why. I told them. They asked why I needed to fundraise. I said "because maybe he can get med-transport home, that's why". Finally, one friend suggested I try an online Fundraising site.
I picked the first one I saw.My lack of sleep and determination wanted to waste no time. It occurred to me that maybe, my extremely private, antisocial, quiet instructor would not want this. I texted the person closest to him. They said they would ask him . I waited about 2 minutes before I texted back.
I got no response ( after all , this person was dealing with reality of being with him).
Finally a day later I got the go ahead. I had already written the fundraiser, set up the account and made sure I understood the terminology.
I hit the publish button and waited. I messaged everyone I could think of...and I fell asleep.
The next day I woke up to a bevy of emails...mostly threats.
Alot of "take that down NOW", alot of "what the hell happened?!"
Alot of "did you check with the Chain of Command?" I ignored and deleted the threats, abuse, attacks and bullying . I personally emailed and messaged anyone who wanted to know more right away. In a matter of hours , I had raised some money, but I raised more eyebrows than dollars.
I will never understand the threats, nor do I care. I will never understand the "C.O.C" comments. And I will most certainly, not understand why it was not being openly talked about. This man, our instructor , who was loved by many...needed us. ALL of us. Instead..it felt like only a few of us cared.
How could this have possibly happened? How could NO ONE be talking about it other than shootem' up gunsites, and anti Systema people? What the hell was going on?
I didn't get it either. I was beyond enraged.
I managed to get on a plane to drive back with my boyfriend from Alabama straight to Dallas where we would see our instructor. On the plane, I sat next to a young man who was in the Army. He was scared of flying to the point of being almost in tears. He asked me to talk to him to keep him from panicking. So I told him the story of the shooting. By the end of the flight, he bet me $20 bucks he could match his army style pushups to my Systema knuckle pushups. I was wearing a dress. He lost the bet gave me the $20 and said it was for the fundraiser. I don't know how I did more than 5 pushups , because I never managed to do more than 5 in class. Later on , he donated another $100 online with a note..."thank you for making me totally forget that I was on a plane, and making me realize there are still people like you out there that care about humanity."

My boyfriend and I left immediately after his awards ceremony in Alabama and made virtually no stops. We were both emotionally exhausted, drained and worried. We hadn't heard much of anything at this point..and maybe that was good. As the fundraiser grew and grew, I was still upset that no formal or public comment had been made. As I sat impatiently by, I began frantically messaging the C.O.C. of the main group to DO something. ANYTHING.
They didn't. I was devastated. I was broken. Not for myself..but for all of us.
I pushed the fundraiser as hard as I could. I was not going to stop.
As we made our way through the hospital , I became physically ill.I could not even almost imagine what I was going to see.I kept telling myself, "he's alive..it's ok now"...but I was still scared.
No amount of Systema control could have prepared me for what I saw when I walked into his room.
As soon as I saw him, I broke down into tears. He weighed what looked to be 20-30 pounds less than he normally did. Only a few days had passed since the shooting and in my mind, I was not sure how this was even possible. He was shivering. He was pale, but he smiled and told me it would be ok and that he was ok. I managed to hug him and felt every bone in his back. He could barely lift his arms up because he had tubes and cords and plugs everywhere. Yet he was there, alive. As we surrounded him , he feigned from being exhausted to wanting to have some impromptu bedside training. We stood in the hallway and tried to navigate maneuvers with his colostomy bag, his IV, and his catheter. There are even photos. He still managed to almost land me on the ground. Almost.
His two beautiful children arrived a short time later and I can only describe my own feeling at the time.
Anger.
The person who had done this, had not, as far as I knew, called to check on him regularly and he even continued to pontificate at his seminars. Not one word of truth came from this Gospel leader. Not to any of us anyway. And here was our instructor, with his beautiful children, barely able to hug them. There were his children, not wholly recognizing their father, and there we were.
I was in tears and walked away.I sat in a corner of the hospital staring at the elevator door opening and closing. My rage went from intense, to soft, to fury. It never stopped being rage. At some point , I tried to be compassionate, but I could not.I was angry.
We left the hospital, and our instructor, and went to eat. It was probably the first time I had eaten in a few days. I was increasingly angry.
When he finally came home ,we had filled his house with catheter and colostomy bag friendly pants, new linens and colostomy friendly foods. I tidied up his house and cleaned as much as I could. I moved furniture out of the way, and went shopping with a classmate to make sure we could fill his home with what he needed.
None of us got a phone call from the people that should have called. Not one, that I know of anyway.
The course of the days after his arrival home consisted of home health schedules(I think all of us did our rounds), check ins, and bag cleaning. Most of us learned the ins and outs of colostomy changing, how to keep his catheter clean and how to help keep him comfortable. The men who I had been training with for a while, now became the most maternal and nurturing of men. THIS was Systema.
At one point, the threats and emails that I continued to receive stuck with me. I walked into my instructors house one evening to hang out with him..and I became enraged. Again.
I looked at his two kids and told them to go for a walk with me. They did. Quite possibly one of the best walks ever.
I asked them how they were doing and they were seemingly unaffected. They were alot braver and stronger and more compassionate than the rest of us. One of them said it was kind of weird. I looked at both of them and said " but how many kids can say their Dad was shot by (fill in the blank) and lived? That...is badass!" They both laughed at the fact that I used foul language and laughed at the reality of me confirming their father's super hero status.
It was then I realized the ONLY way I could get through this was with humor.
I walked back into the house and immediately started making completely inappropriate and random jokes.I was kinda known for the same thing in class and realized I had nothing to lose. The first one was about the "P" bag.
Once my former instructor got the reference..he laughed and was in pain simultaneously. His colostomy bag released air.We all started laughing. The ceremonial joke telling began, you could not be around us and not have a joke. In fact, there was even a contest and I think someone made a shirt.
It was all we could do.
To this day, I cannot train. Not in the gym I used to train in. It is too painful. I can barely look my former instructor in his face. I felt overwhelmed with guilt and anger. While he has taken a much higher road than I ever could, I am so incredibly at a loss , still, as to the lack of humanity and brotherhood after the shooting.
I think about it almost every day. Still. There are moments when I'm driving alone, in my car, and I try to remember what he looked like before the incident. There are moments of witnessing his miraculous recovery, that are just phenomenal. There are moments that I believed in this specific System and the men behind it , would do everything they possibly could to make sure he was taken care of. I will never forgive myself for not doing more and I will never forget the ones who did nothing .
The guy who accidentally shot my instructor? I have never heard from him. Not personally. He is continuing to have a successful, almost stupendous career at doing what he does best.
Shooting.
Thank God he missed.
This time.

(this article is strictly based on what my experience was. It is in no way , the views and thoughts of others...maybe. The thoughts,views and opinions are my own.Not anyone else's )
***update 9/22/14
Due to the numerous threats and backlash , I removed the article from the internets. While this article was written solely from my P.O.V., I could not believe the amount of positive messages I received,I was amazed that alot of people benefited from the story. I have since edited and reworded some of the terminology in the hopes that the article can still remain a positive piece in the eyes of whomever reads it. I decided to repost it despite what has happened , because I also want my "attackers" to know, I will not be bullied nor strong armed. If this article isn't for you, it isn't for you.